Last week’s article was about six things men wish for. That triggered a debate, getting some feedback from the audience that I should also share what women wish for but are worried to say because of deep-seated cultural conditioning that stigmatises female sexuality, fear of judgement or rejection by their partners.

A lot of men find women confusing and hard to read, and this applies particularly in the bedroom. I get a lot of messages every week from men who want to know what women want. These tips and ideas come from thousands of women I have spoken to over the years about their sex lives.

1. TAKE CONTROL

It’s sexy for them when a man knows what he is doing and takes charge in the bedroom. They fully surrender to the masculine touch and strength. Of course sometimes it’s okay to switch the power dynamics and allow her to be controlling and dominating. That can also be a lot of fun. But mostly, women like a man who can lead.

2. KISS HER. A LOT!

Kissing is such an incredible turn-on for women. It’s a beautiful part of sex, yet many men are in such a rush to get to penetration that they skip steps and move on from kissing way too quickly. Kissing is often considered the emotional and physical anchor of intimacy for women. While it is frequently treated as mere ‘preparatory work’, continuing to kiss during sex is vital for maintaining arousal, emotional safety and physical pleasure.

3. EFFECTIVE FOREPLAY

There is a difference between longer and effective foreplay. Effective foreplay is any physical, mental or emotional activity that builds sexual anticipation, deepens connection and prepares the body for intimacy. For most women, effective foreplay does not begin in the bedroom; it is a gradual process that engages the brain, the skin and the senses long before penetration occurs. Give her effective foreplay and she will pay you back with passion, desire and even initiating sex. 

4. EYE CONTACT

A lot of men close their eyes and lose themselves in the world of their own sensations and pleasure. While there is nothing wrong with that, it can feel a bit disconnected if you don’t look at each other. For women, sex is more of emotional connection than physical experiences. Please make it a practice to open your eyes sometimes during sex.

5. ‘LONGER’ SEX

What men consider longer sex is opposite to what women expect. It’s not longer penetration but taking longer time in other areas of sex, such as foreplay, kissing, touching her body, appreciating her body. She wants you to relax and hold each other a bit. She wants you to understand that her body takes a longer time than yours for everything. She also wants to know that you are enjoying her body and taking time with it without feeling like work or routine.

Don’t rush to genitals, spend time on her body, it’s so important to her. She enjoys all those sensations — touching the body, loving it, kissing and caressing. Whole-body touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which directs blood flow to the pelvic region. Touching the whole body makes women feel loved, desired, wanted, sexy, which is the real desire for women.

6. DONT PUSH HER TO ORGASM

Putting pressure on a woman to orgasm is one of the most common reasons why women stop enjoying intimacy, fake orgasms or develop sexual anxiety. While a partner usually applies this pressure out of a desire to please, it almost always has the exact opposite effect. Instead of feeling the physical sensations of touch, she begins analysing her performance: “Is it taking too long?” “Is he getting tired?” “What if I can't do it?” Once a person becomes an observer of their own sex life, pleasure vanishes and tension takes its place.

These are not very difficult things to do. She will be so grateful to you because only few men have ever tried to do them.

Dagitari Waruinu is a sexologist

Contact: 0745506140

Social media handles: @Dagitariwaruinu