"I Couldn't Eat or Sleep" Ciru Muriuki Reveals Losing 30% of Her Body Weight After Fiancé's Death

In a poignant conversation on the YouTube video "To Those We Loved & Lost |Conversations on Grief and Grace with Ciru Muriuki & Lydia K.M | THE SNS," journalist Shiro Muriuki (also referred to as Ciru Muriuki) shared her experiences of profound grief following the deaths of her father and her fiancé, Charlie.

These two losses, though both devastating, manifested in distinctly different ways, shaped by the relationships, circumstances, and ages of the deceased.

Losing the Anchor: The Disorienting Suddenness of Her Father's Death

The death of her father, whom she described as the “greatest man that ever lived,” her “anchor,” “mentor,” and “best friend,” brought an “entirely disorienting experience.”

It felt like the rug had been “pulled from under me.” His passing from COVID occurred early in the pandemic, during a “very isolating” time when the community did not treat them well. 

The rapidity of the loss was staggering: he was admitted to the ICU on a Tuesday and died on Friday of the same week.

This sudden absence thrust her into managing the painful logistics of death, requiring her to set aside her emotions to handle urgent tasks. She wrote her father’s eulogy, visited the funeral home to select a coffin, and organized the funeral within days.

Even five years later, she struggles to accept that her father became a “body” or to hear others refer to him as “deceased.”

The lingering pain includes resentment toward a world that continued moving forward, compounded by the knowledge that she would never share certain milestones with him, such as walking down the aisle.

Yet she honors his memory deeply, speaking to him as her ancestor, listening to videos to preserve his voice, and referring to him by his full name, John Mambbo Moroki.

ALSO READ: Ciru Muriuki’s Guide to Grief: Avoid These 5 Phrases When Supporting the Bereaved

Losing the Future: The Unrelenting Pain of Losing Charlie

The loss of her fiancé, Charlie, plunged her into a different depth of sorrow. This grief was “so different,” marked by “unrelenting pain” intensified by his youth and the tragic circumstances.

The physical impact was immediate and severe; she struggled to sleep or eat, losing approximately 30% of her body weight in the first 12 weeks. Beyond mourning the person he was and his contributions, she was “mourning my future.”

The abrupt shift from “planning a wedding to figuring out cremation” left her reeling.

Psychologically, she felt transported to an “alternate universe” where everyone else was “acting like this is normal.”

Everything seemed “completely foreign,” akin to being surrounded by people speaking Japanese. In moments of desperation, she wished the world would stop so she could “get off and find where I actually belong,” longing to return home “where Charlie is still alive.”

This loss also shattered her spiritual foundation, leaving her feeling betrayed by “everything and everyone and even by Charlie.”

She had believed that prayer and trust would prevent such tragedies, only to question why they “won’t happen” as promised.

External cruelty compounded the pain, leading to periods of self-blame where she wondered if she was the reason he was “no longer here.” She remembers him as Charles Susan Wiro Kodia.