For many women, the biggest problem in the bedroom is not a lack of love. It is not a lack of attraction, and it is not being too tired. Instead, it is a quiet voice in their head that will not stop criticising their body when the lights go off.

Worrying about body image has become one of the most common reasons why women struggle with sex today. When you worry about stretch marks, extra weight or ageing skin, your mind and body get tight and tense. Relaxation becomes impossible. You cannot feel much pleasure, and sex stops being fun. Over time, many women pull away during intimate moments or avoid sex completely.

However, I would like to point out something very important: the body flaws you worry about are almost never a problem for your partner.

DON’T JUDGE OWN BODY

The real problem starts because people confuse beauty with sexual desire. Looking into a mirror tells you nothing about how attractive you are to your lover.

Beauty standards in magazines and online are rigid and constantly changing. But real sexual desire is completely different. It comes from deep inside, and it is unpredictable.

Men and partners do not look at a woman’s body to check if it is perfect. Instead, they focus on specific things they love. In fact, partners are often completely fine with, or even love, the exact body parts that women try to hide.

Put simply, if your partner wants to be close to you and desires sex, they already find you attractive. Trying to argue with their feelings using your own self-doubt makes no sense.

PRESENCE OVER PERFECTION

What truly excites a partner in bed has very little to do with how your body looks. It has everything to do with how you act and feel in the moment.

Partners are drawn to energy, playfulness and real interest.

Feeling a lover enjoy touch and show love back is much more exciting than a body that looks like a photo model. When you spend sex worrying about your looks, you become stiff, quiet and distant. Tragically, your partner might think you are pulling away because you do not like them. This creates distance and bad sex over a problem that only existed in your own head.

CHANGING YOUR MINDSET

To break this bad habit, you need to change how you think about sex:

1. Believe your partner: When your partner gives you a compliment or shows desire, accept it as true. Stop telling yourself they are wrong.

2. Focus on touch, not looks: Sex is not a show for someone else to judge. Stop worrying about how you look from the outside. Focus on how good touch feels on the inside.

3. Ignore the negative thoughts: Bad thoughts about your body are just background noise. You do not need to fight them or fix them today. Acknowledge the noise, let it pass and bring your focus back to the physical feeling of being close to your lover.

CHOOSING LOVE, CONNECTION

Changing how you feel about your body takes time, but sex happens right now. You cannot change your body tonight, but you can choose where to put your attention.

When you let go of worrying about your looks, you open the door to real emotional connection. Sex becomes a way to nourish yourself, enjoy your partner and feel happy in your relationship. Trusting your lover's desire and jumping into the moment is the fastest way to leave the mirror behind and enjoy your sex life today.

I have empowered women to address intimacy issues in my book, Sexy Altar.

Dagitari Waruinu is a sexologist

Contact: 0745506140

Social media handles: @Dagitariwaruinu