Grief in silence: The struggles of single fathers coping with loss

Grief does not announce itself. It sneaks in, uninvited, and takes over your life.

At 30 and living in Makadara, Benjamin Kiragu never imagined raising his daughter alone. Three years ago, he lost his wife, and since then, he has been navigating life like a ghost, carrying grief he is not sure he has fully processed.

Every day feels like walking a tightrope. Caring for his 8-year-old daughter and keeping the house running, he goes through the motions, surviving rather than living.

“At my darkest moments, I rue the day I decided to ask my wife out on a date—maybe if I didn’t, I would not be going through this emotional turmoil,” Kiragu said.

Their relationship began unorthodoxly. Kiragu met his wife at the school where she taught. While painting a mural he was tasked with, he also kept an eye on her, determined to chat during lunch breaks.

A co-worker jokingly called him a ‘simp,’ warning that no woman should make a man drop everything. But Kiragu was determined.

“From our first conversation, her giddy and welcoming personality got me completely hooked—no one could have convinced me that she was not my wife-to-be,” he said.

After a year of dating, the couple had a dream proposal and a white wedding. They wanted children early and welcomed a daughter within three months of trying.

“It felt like it was the universe’s way of confirming that our union was meant to be—our bond only grew stronger, something I did not think was possible,” Kiragu stated.

However, in their second year of marriage, his wife’s personality changed. Her giddiness gave way to aloofness, which Kiragu initially attributed to post-partum depression. He even booked a consultation with a doctor.

Yet, her behaviour intensified. Arguments escalated over trivial matters, tantrums followed, and emotional withdrawal became common.

“One night, I came home from work to shrieking screams from my daughter and my wife lying lifeless on the bedroom floor. I hate to admit that I am still angry at her for leaving me,” Kiragu expressed.

Grief can be slow and relentless. For 35-year-old Felix Okello of Utawala, becoming a single father two years ago was agonising and unavoidable. His wife had battled a terminal illness for over a year.

“In that moment, I remember thinking about how immature I had been for focusing on trivial matters in our marriage, it felt like I had wasted years that would have been more blissful,” Okello said.

He visited her daily, bringing yellow carnations, her favorite flowers. “Just seeing her gummy smile, even if for a brief moment, was enough for me to keep showing up for her in thoughtful ways,” he stated.

Despite doctors’ warnings, Okello held onto hope that she would recover. But one Wednesday evening, he received a frantic call from his mother: his wife had passed away.

Immediately, he rushed to the hospital, his focus shifting to his two children. “From the corner of my eye, I could tell instantly that the burden of losing their mother was overwhelming—I did not have time for dealing with my grief,” he expressed.

For Harrison Mbogo, 28, of Langata, losing his wife a year ago was devastating. He had long hidden his pain, but loss forces confrontation. Learning to parent alone, he is discovering a new rhythm: coping, surviving, and finding strength in spaces he once avoided.

“The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with had suddenly passed away—accepting this reality proved to be an uphill battle,” Mbogo said.

Adding to the challenge was unsolicited advice and scepticism about his parenting capabilities. “Initially, I thought that the concern was coming from a genuine place—this perception drastically changed when I realised they truly believed I would be a bad parent,” he grimaced.

Overwhelmed by guilt and grief, Mbogo finally drew boundaries. “I reduced the time my family would interact with my daughter—I did not want their bad vibes around my daughter and me any longer,” he stated.

By focusing on parenting and carving out space for himself, his mental health began to stabilise. The house, once heavy with tension, now echoes with his daughter’s laughter. In those moments, he sees joy and proof that choosing his path was the right decision.

Claire Muthoni, a counsellor, notes that single fathers face enormous responsibilities. Often, men put their own mental and emotional health aside, yet their ability to care for their children depends on their own well-being. Healthy outlets for stress—therapy, support groups, exercise, or quiet reflection—are crucial.

“Acknowledging your grief doesn’t make you weak—it makes you resilient and it sets a positive example for your children,” Muthoni mentioned.

Open communication with children is also essential. Even when children cannot articulate their grief, they feel it deeply. Encouraging them to express sadness, anger, or confusion builds trust.

“For instance, by sharing your own emotions in age-appropriate ways, it teaches them that expressing feelings is healthy and normal,” Muthoni explained.

Finally, focusing on positive parenting moments—helping with homework, sharing a laugh, or quiet time together—strengthens connection.

“Emphasising joy and presence over perfection fosters a nurturing environment where your child feels loved and secure,” Muthoni emphasised.