Married to the grind: Dating world of workaholics

‎For Dr Getrude Chepkirui, currently single, ambition was never optional- it was survival.

Oftentimes, her thoughts take her back to her childhood. In these moments, she is back in a cramped childhood home, textbooks piled high, her mother’s insulin needles tucked in a corner.

At 35, she has fought battles most never see- poverty’s chokehold, the fragility of a mother’s health, and the unforgiving grind of medical school. She won each one with grit and sleepless nights.

Yet in conquering the world, she found herself losing the one thing she never set out to sacrifice- love.

‎“While I was studying for my medical degree, I always consoled myself that my romantic life would begin after my graduation,” Chepkirui said.

‎Unlike most of her classmates, marriage had always been a milestone that she aimed to achieve in her future. In fact, being a type-A personality, she already had a five-year plan for a relationship.

Three years of knowing each other, a proposal on the fourth year, a garden wedding in the fifth year- the only thing she was waiting for was a romantic partner who ticked all her boxes.

‎“However, after my graduation, it dawned on me how naïve I had been- juggling bone-tiring shifts and a relationship is no child’s play,” Chepkirui stated.

‎Last year, she had dared to hope that her romantic life would cease being in shambles. A long-time male friend of hers showed interest in her out of the blue.

After three years of secretly crushing on him in the background, she was elated that the interest was reciprocated.

‎“Being tall, dark, and handsome and emotionally mature, he was the exact man I dreamed of being married to,” Chepkirui explained.

‎Not willing to risk losing this opportunity, she vowed to go above and beyond to make the relationship work.

Taking up shifts that would allow more quality time, dropping overtime, staying home on the weekends- she did not leave any stone unturned.

However, in the midst of these efforts, something undeniable began brewing in her.

‎“I hate to admit this, but spending less time at the hospital was emotionally tasking. I missed coming back home exhausted from a night shift,” Chepkirui expressed.

‎Trying to bury her dissatisfaction only worsened her relationship. Emotionally shutting down, she was not willing to open up to her boyfriend for fear that he would break up with her.

Though her boyfriend tried to prod, it was like talking to a brick wall.

‎“After three months of me emotionally shutting down, he decided to break up with me for the betterment of his mental health- sad thing is I can’t even blame him,” Chepkirui sadly revealed.

‎In Thika, the streets buzz with the rhythm of commerce, but for 30-year-old William Njoroge, the only heartbeat he follows is the pulse of his work.

Single and unapologetically devoted to his career, he says romance is a chapter he has stopped trying to write.

It was in his second year of employment- long after the late nights and endless to-do lists had become routine- that he realized his dedication was not just ambition.

It was an all-consuming habit, one that left no space for anyone else to share the journey.

‎“While my co-workers looked forward to Friday for weekend festivities, I was busy clocking in for overtime that could fill up my time,” Njoroge said.

‎When he had tried to put himself out there in the dating scene, this proved to be futile. Making time on the weekend for his dating rendezvous, he hoped that it would pan out to a serious romantic relationship.

However, after several months of trying to stay optimistic, he finally threw in the towel. 

‎“The dates were either women who were only interested in my money or hour-long scolding from women who were skeptical about me admitting to being a workaholic- there was no winning,” Njoroge lamented.

‎Love has a funny way of sneaking up on people- sometimes even on those who swear they are ‘married to the hustle’.

For Emmanuel Wanjala, a 26-year-old in Ruiru, romance was not on the checklist.

From the day he left high school, he knew two things- he was a workaholic and he wanted to build a garage empire. With no campus fees and nothing but grit in his toolbox, he poured his heart into work. 

‎Though the life of grinding with no support of a romantic partner was lonely, this only fueled his drive for more success.

Just as he thought that a life of being single was one meant for him, love came knocking on his door unexpectedly. 

‎“One random afternoon, an attractive woman brought her car to my garage- I instantly knew that she would rock my world in the best way possible,” Wanjala recounted with a smile.

‎Trying to ignore the spark he felt, he focused on being professional in their conversations. However, after several encounters, he decided to throw caution to the wind and ask her out on a date. 

‎“The date went surprisingly well despite our nerves- I remember how I thought she would walk out on me when I spilled coffee on her white sundress,” Wanjala stated.

‎From this date, their professional relationship snowballed into a romantic relationship. Though the initial months of dating had been tumultuous due to his busy work schedule, they were able to weather the storm of this dark phase.

‎“I think what greatly helped was my girlfriend not focusing on changing my workaholic personality- she was willing to accept all aspects of me,” Wanjala said. 

‎For Emily Mutheu, ambition is not just a career strategy; it is a way of life.

From her corner in Kahawa Sukari, the 38-year-old admitted that she approached love the same way she chased promotions- with focus, patience, and a sharp eye for the right fit.

After years of brushing off romantic advances, it was only when she finally secured the long-coveted promotion last year that she felt ready to commit to someone’s heart.

‎“It’s not like I was going to abandon my work. However, the promotion meant I could easily take the weekend off just to spend time with someone.” Mutheu said.

‎Initially, looking for a romantic partner seemed tiring and less fun than what she had perceived it would have been.

Chairing board meetings where a million crises were thrown at her, she did not have the time to go on meaningless dates.

Trying to weed out the men who were just interested in casual relations was the real mind-bender for her.

‎“I remember one date where the guy insisted that I would miss out on a lot if I didn’t agree to casual relations with him- the nerve of that guy,” Mutheu stated.

‎Unbeknownst to her, the universe had other plans for her romantic life. The man who would end up being her husband was the same man who seemed to be skilled in annoying her since childhood.

Growing up, she had only seen him as a family friend she was forced to relate to. He never missed a chance to challenge her, which in turn always ended up annoying her.

‎“One evening, he gave me a call and told me that we should both start being honest with each other- the rivalry between us was just a mask for the love we felt for each other,” Mutheu said.

‎At first, she scoffed at him, thinking that it was one of his plans to pull the rug under her.

However, after a four-hour-long conversation, she realized that the man she had been looking for had been right in front of her all this while. 

‎“I was pleasantly surprised when he did not complain about me being a workaholic- perhaps our relations from childhood had already prepared him for my personality,” Mutheu said.

‎Though their fiery personalities clashed at the beginning of their relationship, their desire to make their relationship work made it possible for them to find their footing.

By the second year of their romantic relationship, she was walking down the aisle with a gummy smile, excited to fully commit to the love of her life. 

‎“Four years in a blissful marriage, I am happy that the love of my life started out as my nemesis- I wouldn’t want it any other way,” Mutheu said with a smile. 

‎Sharing with The Star, Mercy Wanjohi, a relationship expert, explained that as a workaholic, it is crucial to actively schedule and prioritize dates.

Treating dates like important meetings, you should block off time specifically for dates in your calendar, just as you would for work commitments.

Furthermore, do not wait for opportunities to arise- actively plan dates and be upfront about your availability.

‎“While on the date, avoid talking excessively about work- letting work dominate the conversation would most likely bore your date,” Wanjohi said.

‎Setting boundaries is also crucial. Without these boundaries, work life will most likely take centre stage in your life, making dating difficult.

Decide on specific times or days when you will be unavailable for work and prioritise those times for your date. 

‎“Remember that as a workaholic, the trajectory of your dating life lays in your hands- you are the only one who can make choices that prioritize your romantic partner.” Wanjohi reiterated.