When love comes with an invoice: Kenyan youth under the weight of financial obligations

‎The air in a café in Pangani hums with the clatter of cups and muted chatter, but Jane Bosibori sits still, her fingers tracing the rim of her mug.

At 28, she expected her life to be painted in bright strokes of independence and ambition. Growing up in a house where the bills were paid and the fridge was full, her current reality was never in her cards.

Her twenties have so far been a quiet warfare of emotional manipulation, where love is leveraged for money and ‘family’ feels more like a debt collector.

‎“Even though I knew my parents were capable of financially supporting me after my graduation, I wanted to pave my own way for financial independence,” Bosibori said.

‎With this resolve in mind, she immediately started applying for open job positions after her graduation.

Renting a bedsitter room with her best friend, she hoped that her efforts would come into fruition before she depleted the money she had saved during her campus days.

After three months of rejections, she contemplated moving back to her parents’ house to re-strategise.

‎“Just as I was about to pack my bags and leave for home, I received a call from a prestigious company I had interviewed at. I was beyond elated when I learned that I got the job,” Bosibori stated.

‎Buzzing with excitement, she started working at that company. Having a stable job, her dream of building a financial empire seemed less of a fantasy and more of a reality that was within her reach.

However, immediately after she got her first salary, the insistent calls from her parents began.

‎“The first time my parents asked for financial assistance, I happily obliged. I felt honoured to be in a position that allowed me to take care of them, Bosibori stated.

‎However, after the calls became more frequent, the alarm bells in her head began going off.

It became like clockwork. A call from her parents during the week she was scheduled to receive her salary was expected.

After four months, the frequency snowballed to several calls from her parents, even when she had not received her salary.

‎“When I tried to tell them that I was financially plummeting, they immediately scolded me by saying that they had never complained when they were taking care of me,” Bosibori expressed.

‎Still battling the guilt of feeling financially burdened by her parents, she has resorted to putting so many aspirations on the back burner.

Consoling herself that she will soon qualify for a promotion, she keeps grinding.

‎“Even though I am barely clutching at straws financially and mentally, I cannot bring myself to say no to my parents’ demands,” Bosibori said.

‎From the outside, it looked like a story of family loyalty, a young orphan taken in by a caring uncle. But standing in Kasarani, 30-year-old Nelson Wanga tells it differently.

The man he once saw as a savior became the source of his deepest regret, a regret born the day he first reached into his pocket to ‘help’ the very person who had raised him.

‎“Within the first month, it dawned on me that my uncle was only interested in the inheritance left to me by my parents. Being my guardian assured him of full control,” Wanga stated.

‎After a year of his uncle living extravagantly, the inheritance that was supposed to take care of him financially was depleted.

Following this, his uncle did not hesitate to uproot him from the Nairobi lifestyle he had been accustomed to a life upcountry.

‎“I had to start my life from scratch in an environment that was foreign to me. My uncle’s physical abuse certainly alleviated my predicament,” Wanga said.

‎The fuel driving him to succeed in his studies was the freedom that would come with a stable job after graduating.

Fortunately, he was able to secure a well-paying job at the company he had interned at.

Relieved that his lucky stars were finally aligning, he prepared himself to bask in the glory of a ‘soft life’.

‎“Can you imagine the same uncle who had not cared enough to attend my graduation suddenly started calling daily?” Wanga said in disbelief.

‎Initially, his uncle tried to butter him up to agreeing to send money monthly. However, after his uncle realised that he was not budging, he decided to change his tactics.

Maliciously, his uncle claimed that since he had paid school fees for eight years, he would not stop calling until all his money was refunded.

‎“All my life, my uncle has always been three steps ahead in manipulation- I have accepted that ten percent of my earnings will always go to my uncle,” Wanga said.

‎All in all, not all young people are giving in to financial manipulation by parents and relatives.

In an interview in Wendani, 32-year-old Sarah Njoki stated that she reached her boiling point last year.

After eight years of keeping her head down and rolling over whenever her parents demanded money, she finally decided to put an end to that situation.

‎“Though I had seen how easily my parents financially manipulated my elder brother while I was growing up, this was a reality I never expected to experience,” Njoki stated.

‎Barely a week in her first job, her parents had already begun calling her to ask for money.

Thinking that her parents would eventually have a change of heart, she decided against her better judgment to keep up with the money demands.

‎However, one incident fully opened her eyes to the lengths her parents were willing to go just to get money from her.

On a random Thursday morning last year, she received a frantic call from her parents that her aunt had been diagnosed with breast cancer.

Completely appalled, she immediately sent her parents money that had previously been meant for her basic needs.

‎“Since I was so close to this aunt growing up, I even borrowed money from my friend to cover the remaining cost of the hospital bill that my parents had sent me,” Njoki mentioned.

‎Though she knew that her aunt resided at a place where cell reception was bad, the calls she made were not being answered, which further heightened her uneasiness.

Bright and early on Saturday, she decided to make an impromptu visit to her aunt. 

‎“When I saw that my aunt was in perfect health, I was so enraged by my parents’ inhumane tactics- that was the day I decided to completely cut off my parents,” Njoki said candidly.

‎According to Ben Okoth, a financial expert, it is important to understand when helping your family is healthy and when it crosses into exploitation.

True support is voluntary, sustainable, and based on what you can realistically give. Exploitation is coerced, manipulative, and disregards your own needs.

‎“If assistance comes packaged with guilt trips, emotional blackmail, or statements like ‘after all we have done for you, ’ it is not genuine help but rather control,” Okoth said.

‎Before committing to any form of support, it is important to map out your finances clearly. List your income, essential expenses, debts, and savings goals.

Once you see the numbers, you will know exactly what you can afford to give without putting your own stability at risk.

Boundaries backed by hard numbers are easier to defend because they shift the discussion from emotions to facts.

‎Accepting that some relationships may change after setting boundaries is also vital.

Since setting boundaries might bring friction, some parents and relatives will adapt, while others may resent your decision.

Remembering that you can love your family and still say ‘no’ to demands that jeopardize your own well-being is important for upholding boundaries.

‎“Remember, in the long run, financial independence often leads to healthier relationships than those built on forced dependency,” Okoth emphasised.