AI illustration of a woman grieving her miscarriage Julie Mumbua, now 30 and married, says the pain of losing her child still feels fresh, even five years later. From her home in Membley, she recalls how the pregnancy came with joy and high hopes.
She and her husband had planned to have four children by the time she turned 30. A miscarriage, she says, was the last thing on her mind. “It never occurred to me that it could happen to me,” she says.
“When I got a positive pregnancy test three months later, it was as if it was an affirmation that we were destined to be parents- we were over the moon."
While preparing for the birth of their child, they left no stone unturned. She was particularly excited because her husband was as excited as she was. Even though her husband led a busy career, he did not hesitate to be at her disposal.
Whether it was going to a random baby shop that had been recommended on TikTok or her prenatal appointments, her husband was willing to pause everything in his career.
“I had always dreamed of the perfect pregnancy, and with a gem for a husband, this fantasy became a reality,” Mumbua stated.
However, one Tuesday night, while being six months pregnant, her sleep was interrupted by sudden pain. As she tried to sit up on the bed, the pain in her lower back that had been dull intensified within seconds.
Trying to calmly regulate her breathing, she tried not to wake her husband, who had just come from a long shift at work.
Nevertheless, after she realised that ignoring the pain would not make it disappear, she decided to go to the washroom to alleviate her situation.
“I had not walked more than five paces when I suddenly crouched on the floor screaming hysterically,” Mumbua said.
Following her screams, her husband immediately jumped into action, trying to assess what the problem was.
With her hands holding her knees desperately for support, she quickly became frustrated because she felt like her husband was moving too slowly.
“Just as I was about to unleash my anger on him, what he showed me made me understand his shock- there was a big bloody smudge on my night gown,” Mumbua explained.
Seeing how quiet she got, her husband snapped out of his shock and determinedly guided her to their car with a simple plan in his mind- getting to the hospital as fast as possible.
As her husband was being honked at by other drivers because of his overspeeding, she could not help wailing loudly while gripping her seat.
When they got to the hospital, her husband frantically ran into the hospital to ask for help. Running back with two nurses wheeling a stretcher to the car, she felt a bit relieved that all would be well soon enough.
However, when the doctor broke the news that they had lost their child, she rued keeping her hope alive till the last minute.
“I just remember seeing the strong front that my husband had put up immediately dissipate- I passed out a few seconds later.” Mumbua expressed.
Life after the miscarriage was the darkest phase of their marriage. In the beginning, the shock of losing a child held them captive. While her husband took extra shifts at his work, she would lock herself in the bedroom, crying herself to sleep.
When her husband would eventually come home to shower and change clothes, there was pin-drop silence in the house. Not willing to start any conversation, they would both act like the other person ceased to exist.
“At that time, I thought that he was not talking to me because deep down, he blamed me for the loss of our child,” Mumbua said.
However, after six months of silent treatment, her husband sat her down one evening, informing her that he had made a therapist appointment for both of them.
Having bottled all her emotions for months, she did not have the emotional capacity to digest this information.
“I immediately started berating him, claiming that the therapist appointment was just a ploy for making me feel guiltier,” Mumbua stated.
Despite her resistance, her husband insisted on going for therapy together. As expected, the first few sessions were insufficient because she kept mum even when asked questions by the therapist.
Coupled with the grief of losing their child, she was bitter that her husband had decided for her that it was time to start healing.
However, after hearing her husband’s perspective in various sessions, she realised that they were both hurt individuals just trying to gain some normalcy in their lives.
Slowly but surely, she began letting down her walls by opening up more in the sessions.
“I think realising that my husband’s silence was his way of dealing with the grief played a key role in my healing journey,” Mumbua expressed.
Even though at a better place emotionally and mentally, the idea of trying again for a child is unfathomable for them.
Having barely survived the trauma of their miscarriage, they are now more focused on enjoying their marriage.
“Our parents and relatives stopped pestering us a year ago after they realised that we were both serious about not having a child- I do not see this ever changing,” Mumbua expressed.
In an interview in Thika, Gregory Wafula, aged 28 and currently in a relationship, revealed that their relationship almost crumbled after a miscarriage two years ago.
Having set the precedence of the relationship being casual with no strings attached, a pregnancy was never in his cards.
“Both of us being in our mid-20s, we were not ready to be shackled to a romantic partner- we were not yet done exploring the scope of our romantic possibilities,” Wafula said.
Therefore, when his girlfriend informed him that she was pregnant through text, his knee-jerk reaction was to deny any responsibility.
Immediately blocking her on his phone, he deluded himself by believing that was the last time he would hear from her.
“My girlfriend has always had a fiery personality, and I do not know what made me think that she would just roll over,” Wafula stated.
After the DNA test confirmed that he was the biological father, he set his mind on smoothing things over with his girlfriend. Though they had a rocky start to the pregnancy, he was determined to go above and beyond to make his girlfriend feel special during the pregnancy.
Whether it was sporadic dates or going to shops to buy her latest craving late in the night without so much as a complaint, he was willing to move heaven and earth for her.
However, by the second month, he realised how stressed his girlfriend was. Apart from not being prepared for motherhood, the opposition from her family was a constant headache.
Being the only daughter in her family, her parents had always been overprotective of her. The news that she had gotten pregnant outside marriage was therefore not welcomed.
“The stress heightened when her parents cut her off- they could not accept that a dread head had impregnated their daughter,” Wafula said.
As he was walking home one evening, he received a frantic call from his girlfriend’s best friend, who explained that his girlfriend, who was at the time three months pregnant, was having a miscarriage. Determined to get home as soon as possible, he got on the nearest boda.
As soon as he got home, his mind went black as he saw his girlfriend on the floor being comforted by her best friend.
“In the chaos of my girlfriend sobbing, her best friend shouting at me to do something, I took a good five minutes to recollect my thoughts.”
However, after seeing his girlfriend’s bloody sweatpants, he rushed to a neighbour he knew had a car. Fortunately, this neighbour was kind enough to drive them to the nearest hospital.
Though he had an inkling that they had lost the baby, the doctor confirming this sent him into a mind-numbing shock.
“My girlfriend was screaming while trying to get up from the hospital bed, I sat still, void of any emotions- fortunately, her best friend filled in the shoes of comfort,” Wafula explained.
After they got home from the hospital, his girlfriend insisted that she needed to go to her parents. Too weak to put up a fight, he watched silently as his girlfriend packed her bags.
Left with the aftermath, he busied himself with cleaning the bloody sheets just to keep his mind off the hard reality that was staring at him.
“Even though I did not see it at the time, the month-long separation steadied my heightened emotions, making it possible for me to think clearly after my girlfriend came back,” Wafula said.
Determined to piece back their relationship, he embarked on a mission to revive their romance. Though his girlfriend quickly shut him down initially, he was not ready to give up.
By being intentional with his words and actions, he tried to remind his girlfriend how special she was to him.
“After losing our child, I was not ready to lose my relationship as well- something good had to come from this tragic incident,” Wafula said.
Weekly dates at their favourite restaurants, weekend getaways, picking up the slack in the house chores- he left nothing up to chance. Seeing how determined he was to heal their relationship, his girlfriend began letting down her walls.
Since they had both evolved after the miscarriage, it was like dating on a clean slate.
“I think the one thing I had to learn after the miscarriage was that space is healthy- I was so focused on healing our relationship that at times, my smothering brought more harm than good,” Wafula expressed.
If you had told Wafula two years ago that they would be pregnant again, he would have immediately dismissed this. However, currently in their fourth month of pregnancy, they have never been happier.
“We are trying to maintain our expectations, but the hope of becoming parents in five months is one that we are willing to bank on,” Wafula said.
According to Jane Muli, a therapist in Nairobi, moving on after a miscarriage involves allowing yourself time to grieve, seeking support, and practising self-care.
There is no set timeline for healing, and it's important to be patient with yourself and your partner. First and foremost, it is crucial to acknowledge the sadness, anger, or confusion you may be experiencing. Don't try to suppress your emotions.
Moreover, connect with your loved ones. Let your partner, family, and friends know how they can support you. They may need guidance on how to best help you through this time, but this should not scare you away from seeking support from them.
Help from a therapist is also an important tool for emotional healing after a miscarriage.
“As a person who has experienced a miscarriage, remember that grief is a personal experience, and there is no right or wrong way to feel.” Muli reiterated.
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