Looking at your adorable infant for the first time, the last thing on your mind as a parent is how this baby will affect the romance in your relationship.
Weekly dates are swiftly replaced with power naps, movie nights drastically change to Cocomelon playing on repeat, and the effort of looking put together becomes trivial.
If couples are not careful, they can fall into a pattern of full dissociation and ultimately resort to living together as more of roommates bound by children.
Speaking from her residence in Kahawa Sukari, Diana Nyokabi, a divorcee aged 35, explained how the birth of their first child wrecked her marriage.
After two years of trying to get a child, she was happy that their dream of being parents had ceased to be a fantasy.
“Despite our initial excitement, the reality of adding a child to our relationship kicked in by the second month,” Nyokabi said.
To begin with, the demanding nature of her husband’s business heightened tension in the house.
Her husband leaving at the crack of dawn and coming back home late at night, she felt like she was left hanging out to dry.
Dealing with countless diaper changes, bathing the child, and breastfeeding, there was no moment of rest.
“I can still hear the constant shrieks from our colic baby- that sound was enough to give me a migraine the whole day,” Nyokabi stated.
Despite her husband hiring a nanny to help out in the house, this did little to alleviate her situation. Within no time, the bottled-up frustrations that they had each buried boiled up to the surface.
When her husband would come home in the evening, the heated arguments would begin. Both unwilling to budge, the arguments snowballed to screaming matches most times.
“Romance was dead in our relationship at that time- why would I have wanted to dress up for a man who I felt like was the genesis of my frustrations?” Nyokabi posed.
Both of them, being completely consumed by their own struggles in parenting, could never reach a middle ground in their conversations.
After five years of trying to stay in their marriage until the wheels fell off, they both realised a divorced household was healthier for their child.
If you had told James Wafula, aged 28 and currently single, that his relationship would have crumbled because of having a child, he would have immediately dismissed you.
Speaking from Wendani, he explained that when he began a relationship with his girlfriend, the plan was simple- keeping it casual.
Both of them, coming from toxic relationships, were not ready to be emotionally vulnerable in a committed relationship. Unbeknownst to them, the universe had other plans for them.
One random morning, his girlfriend sent him a frantic text asking him to meet up at their favourite spot.
When he got to the spot, his girlfriend shoved a pregnancy test in his hands while avoiding eye contact. Looking at the two lines on the pregnancy test, he could not believe that his girlfriend was pregnant.
“I think I stared at the test for half an hour, not saying anything. Scenarios of the fatherhood journey I was about to embark on played in my mind,” Wafula said.
A relationship that began casually quickly shifted to a serious one within a few weeks.
Without taking the time to discuss their new relationship dynamic, they both immersed themselves in the preparation of their child.
The giddiness and spontaneity that encompassed their relationship steadily simmered down to the point where they felt like strangers.
“Though we could see that the romance in our relationship was deteriorating, we ultimately decided to put this issue on the back burner,” Wafula stated.
Having a child with special needs certainly did not help their relationship. Both being young, they lacked the communication skills necessary for conflict resolution.
Clutching at straws with their child’s medical and physical needs, they ended up projecting their frustrations on each other.
After three years of deluding themselves, they both ultimately agreed that a relationship with no sparks was not the future they wanted for themselves.
“When you are thinking about where to get the next meal for your special needs child, planning a candle-lit dinner takes less precedence in your mind,” Wafula expressed.
Nevertheless, all is not gloom for couples that end up being parents. There are couples that have successfully gone through the hurdle of reviving romance in their relationships after becoming parents.
In an interview in Pangani, Leah Kioko, aged 50, is eternally grateful that her marriage weathered the storm of having a child.
After she had given birth to their first child, Kioko noted that her emotional state was in shambles. Contrary to what she had initially assumed, the maternal instincts did not come to her naturally.
From the moment she woke up, she felt like an axe was constantly hanging over her head. Her days were filled with intense depression episodes that became harder to come out of.
“I would end up locking myself in my room at times, leaving the child unattended. I was just desperately trying not to succumb to my emotions,” Kioko said.
Anyone around her became the punching bag, especially her husband. Completely unprovoked, she would start arguments the moment her husband walked into the house.
When her husband began not taking the bait, she ended up frustrated and instead chose to give him silent treatment.
Were it not for her husband’s patience and determination to keep their marriage afloat, divorce would have been inevitable.
“Even when I tried to keep up my toxicity, my husband never failed to show up for me romantically in the love languages that meant the most to me,” Kioko stated.
Talking to The Star from Ruiru, Benson Waweru, aged 30, stated that the first three years after having twins were the darkest phase of his relationship.
Not prepared to have twins, Waweru and his girlfriend were still grappling with their reality a month after the twins were born.
“The budget that we had initially set for ourselves doubled- that is a scenario that could be a boiling point for any couple,” Waweru said.
Being the breadwinner, he was forced to look for other side hustles that could bring in more money.
Determined to provide the ‘soft life’ for his girlfriend and their twins, he continuously pushed himself in his various career ventures.
Coming from a hard day at work, the last thing that he needed was his girlfriend complaining about how overwhelmed she felt handling the twins.
“Her concerns became more of nagging to me, and oftentimes, I would find myself snapping at her, claiming that she was dramatic,” Waweru stated.
With the heightened tension in the house, his girlfriend opted to sleep alone with the twins. Not willing to face the situation at home head-on, he would end up putting in more work hours just to limit his time at home.
One evening, the reality of their relationship going downhill finally hit him. Letting go of his ego, he could not help admitting that his relationship was worth fighting for.
“Extending the olive branch, I began actively trying to interact with my girlfriend," Waweru said.
As expected, this was initially met with opposition from his girlfriend. However, after he proved that he was serious enough about fighting for them, his girlfriend began slowly letting down her walls.
For instance, every Saturday evening, he would organise a romantic date at their favourite Indian restaurant in town, in spite of how tumultuous the days leading up to the date had been.
“The consistency of showing up for my girlfriend is what ultimately sparked back our romantic flame. Some men might say that I was ‘simping’, but I am happy I did.” Waweru emphasised.
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