Love by proxy: The reality of arranged marriages in Kenya

AI illustration of a couple in an arranged marriage 

‎In this modern era, the concept of arranged marriages seems foreign to most Kenyans. Some years back, young people would rely on their parents or relatives to guide them in their choice of a marriage partner.

The parents and relatives entrusted with this role would use various criteria with the intention of finding the most suitable marriage partner.

Though some young people are still not on board with leaving their romantic life in the hands of their parents and relatives, there are a few who believe that being in an arranged marriage is the way to go.

‎Speaking from Ruaka, Hamisi Kadzo, currently married and aged 30, recounted the events that led up to her being in an arranged marriage. Growing up, the idea that marriage was an important milestone for a woman was engraved in her mind.

She was taught how to cook, clean and exude soft feminine energy just to attract the right marriage partner. However, seeing how limited her mom was in an arranged marriage to her father, she vowed to pave her own way.

‎“I had a tunnel vision for what my marriage would be like—an arranged marriage was nowhere in my cards.” Kadzo said.

‎Right before her parents began making arrangements for her marriage, she packed her bags and decided to move to Nairobi. For her, Nairobi symbolized a place of freedom flooded with an array of romantic options.

However, after three years of trying out the dating scene, she realized how naïve she had been. All the men she met either did not check all her boxes or left her with premium tears.

‎“I have always been a person who lives by time goals, and when I saw that the likelihood of getting a romantic partner on my own was slim to none, I decided to go back home.” Kadzo stated.

Though still apprehensive, she decided to give her parents’ plan a fair shot, consoling herself that she had nothing to lose. The first time she met the man who was set to be her husband, she was pleasantly surprised. Initially, she had expected to see a disinterested older man eyeing her like a prey.

However, when the man flashed a gummy smile as she approached him, she could not help but feel a romantic spark.

What began as a Hail Mary for both of them steadily snowballed into a beautiful relationship. In spite of the insecurities that she had from dealing with toxic men, this man was patient enough to give her all the space she needed. Healing the broken part of her heart, this man gave her a newer and broader definition of a ‘real man’.

‎“Five years later, I am happy that I agreed to an arranged marriage with my husband—he is all I ever dreamed about in a man.” Kadzo expressed with a smile.

‎In an interview in Thika, John Muchira, currently married and aged 28, stated that his decision of getting into an arranged marriage was his own. After years of watching how his parents struggled to find partners after their divorce, he was unwilling to go down the same road of looking for a partner on his own.

Leading a busy career, the last thing he wanted was to go on random dates that would just epically fail.

‎“Seeing my uncle’s successful marriage, I just approached him and asked him to help me find a wife.” Muchira said.

Though a bit shocked, his uncle got the ball rolling and promised to take this role entrusted to him seriously. Since his uncle was basically his second father, Muchira believed that his uncle knew him inside out and would have his best interest at heart.

After six months, he received a lengthy call from his uncle with the information that he had finally found the ideal woman for him.

After his uncle sent her phone number and social media platforms, he began going through the pictures and videos she had posted. By the second week, his uncle had set up a romantic date for both of them at a high-end restaurant.

“Whether because of nerves or the absurdity of a potential arranged marriage in these modern times, the first date was definitely awkward.” Muchira stated.

Nevertheless, since both of them were headstrong about having an arranged marriage, they both made an effort to get to know each other. Through their countless dates and long video calls, he realized that she was the blueprint of the kind of woman he wanted for a wife.

Ambitious, jovial, outspoken, beautiful—she was the full package for him. After a few months of dating, he proposed and this was followed by a lavish wedding in Limuru.

‎“I am eternally grateful for the role my uncle played in my arranged marriage- my marriage might seem weird but it is the one I would choose all over again.” Muchira emphasized.

‎Nonetheless, not all arranged marriages have the fairytale ending. For Grace Nafula, a divorcee aged 40, her arranged marriage morphed into her worst nightmare. Speaking from Utawala, she described how happy she was when her parents finally revealed to her that they had found a marriage partner for her.

Having the front seat to the success of her parents’ arranged marriage, she always knew that an arranged marriage would be her goal.

‎“I was particularly happy because the marriage partner that my parents picked was the son to our close family friend- I had always had a little crush on him.” Nafula said. 

‎During their courtship, all she could feel was bliss. Romantic dates, luxurious gifts, weekly allowance- she felt like she was getting the princess treatment that she deserved.

However, after they got married, she soon came face to face with the reality she was in. Within the first month, her husband began being cold and distant with her. 

‎Assuming that his drastic change was because she was not properly fulfilling her wifely duties in the house, she decided to put the foot on the pedal and improve. Even though she went as far as seeking advice from her mother, none of her efforts came into fruition.

‎“The emotional abuse that began out of the blue was definitely a red flag that I blindly chose to ignore.” Nafula stated.

‎From the time her husband walked into the house from work, the constant jabs at her began.

Criticizing her appearance, education level and cooking skills- nothing was left off the table. Without realizing it, she soon became a shell of a vibrant woman she was prior to getting married.

‎“When he scornfully remarked that he had essentially ‘bought me’ through an arranged marriage, I knew that it was time to pack my bags and ran for the hills.” Nafula said.