‘I thought it was love’: How control disguises itself in relationships

When in love, the last thing on your mind is the possibility of falling for a controlling partner.

Though many may not admit it, love often turns blaring red flags into a faded shade of pink, easy to overlook and tuck away.

Contrary to popular belief, no one is immune to the trap of a controlling relationship. In the blink of an eye, what seemed like a fulfilling partnership can turn into a nightmare.

‎Speaking to The Star, Nelima Mueni, now recently single, reveals that nothing could have prepared her for the three tumultuous years she spent with her controlling boyfriend.

Having endured a rocky dating history, Mueni had been ready to change her preferences drastically.

Abandoning her usual attraction to “bad boys,” she decided to seek love in church, assuming the good men in Nairobi were there. Mueni was optimistic that this time, she would receive the princess treatment she believed she deserved.

‎After years away from church, Mueni felt out of place during her first Sunday back.

But a particular usher made it his mission to make her feel welcome.

When the service ended, the usher introduced her to his friends at the youth group meeting.

Mueni quickly realised that this man was not just an usher, but also the youth group leader.

‎Watching him in his element, laughing and talking animatedly, sparked something in Mueni. After two months of attending the church, their friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship.

Dating the youth group leader, secretly admired by many women in the congregation, felt like a win for Mueni.

Their blissful first year of dating seemed to confirm she had made the right choice.

‎But things took a turn. The man who once adored her transformed into someone she could barely recognise. At first, he began making snarky comments without warning.

One Sunday morning, for instance, he accused her of wearing a certain dress to attract the attention of other men at church. Shocked, Mueni changed into something “more appropriate” to appease him.

‎The snarky remarks soon escalated into toxic controlling behaviour.

He began limiting her time with friends, starting fights whenever a man flirted with her, and insisting on accompanying her every time she stepped out of the house.

Eventually, Mueni felt like she was suffocating in the relationship.

‎“When I revealed his true personality to some of my church friends, they shut me down, claiming I was just a bitter ex,” Mueni says dryly.

For Chris Kimani, who has been single for three years, the red flags began when his girlfriend demanded access to all his electronic passwords.

Before dating, they had both agreed not to snoop through each other’s phones. Kimani, chalking up her change to past trauma from being cheated on, tried to ignore it.

‎But the phone checks soon sparked frequent arguments. If she saw even the slightest hint of another woman flirting with Kimani, it triggered a week-long fight.

Kimani tried to explain that his job in the entertainment industry naturally attracted female attention.

Though he attempted to empathise with her, he couldn’t understand why she reacted so strongly to harmless flirtation he never reciprocated.

Ironically, when Kimani asked to see her phone, she accused him of not trusting her.

‎The final straw came when she replied to a woman who had sent Kimani a direct message, unaware that this woman was someone Kimani had long hoped to work with.

Her rude message cost him the professional opportunity, as the potential client blocked him immediately.

Frustrated that his girlfriend had created drama over a harmless message, Kimani had had enough.

‎“I felt like the world’s biggest fool when I found out after the breakup that she had been cheating on me the whole time, a whole year down the drain,” Kimani laments.

‎For Jessica Cherono, also recently single, it took two years to realise she had confused controlling behaviour for intense passion.

Having grown up reading romance novels, Cherono believed that a man constantly dictating a woman’s choices was a sign of deep love.

Like many girls influenced by such stories, she found herself drawn to men who got jealous easily.

‎So, when her boyfriend began displaying controlling tendencies, Cherono interpreted it as an expression of love. In public, he treated her like a child incapable of making her own decisions.

Before long, even her easy-going friends began warning her about the behaviour. But completely taken in by his manipulation, she continued defending him.

‎“The moment he demanded that I quit my acting hobby, I immediately ran for the hills, stripping away my personality had been his mission,” Cherono says.

‎Evans Loch, a recent divorcé, tells The Star that it was his daughter who opened his eyes to his wife’s controlling behaviour.

Before marrying, Loch had made it clear he wanted his future wife to be comfortable with being a stepmother. Understanding that not every woman is suited for that role, Loch didn’t want her to feel pressured.

‎After many reassurances, Loch believed their family would thrive. Busy with his entrepreneurial career, he was often away on business trips, trusting that his daughter was in good hands.

At first, he noticed that her initial excitement over the marriage had faded. Her personality had become almost robotic. When he asked if she was okay, she insisted that she was.

‎By their second year of marriage, arguments between his wife and daughter became frequent. Since both had fiery personalities, Loch assumed it was normal household conflict.

But when he returned home one day to find them in complete silence, he knew things had escalated. His wife expected him to take her side, but Loch refused to form an opinion until he heard both sides.

“My daughter revealed my wife’s devious attempts to control not only her but also our finances. Divorce was inevitable,” Loch shares.

‎According to relationship expert Catherine Njeri, the first step in escaping a controlling relationship is recognising that it’s not your fault.

“Controlling behaviour is a choice your partner is making, not something you caused,” Njeri says. “You deserve respect, autonomy and emotional safety.”

Recognising the early signs is key. These may include gaslighting, excessive jealousy, monitoring your activities or isolating you from loved ones.

In more extreme cases, a controlling partner may resort to financial manipulation or curbing your independence.

‎“Thinking you can change a controlling partner is a mistake many people make; leave the relationship while you still can,” Njeri warns.