Solo and thriving: The concept of self-love as a single person

‎In a world where relationships are seen as milestones in life, little is said about the comfort of being single.

Though a relationship offers the chance of going through life’s joys and trepidations with someone beside you, more Kenyans are slowly realising that being single is not the end of the world.

While a relationship necessitates putting your partner’s needs before your own, a single life offers the possibility of truly living your life on your own terms.

‎Speaking to The Star, Janice Wangari, single for seven years, explains that being content with her single status did not happen overnight. After her last breakup, Wangari was at a loss.

For four years, no one would have convinced Wangari that this relationship would end in premium tears. This was the man she had envisioned getting married to in a lush church wedding. 

‎In their fourth year of dating, she felt like they were both ready to take the next step. However, after it dawned on Wangari that her boyfriend never had the intention of marrying her, a breakup was inevitable.

In that moment, she came face to face with the hard reality that staying in that relationship with the hope of changing her boyfriend’s mind would only brew resentment.

‎Following the breakup, she tried to distract herself with immediately looking for the love of her life. Jumping from one relationship to the next ended up making her feel emptier.

The pressure of seeing her ex-boyfriend happily move on further pushed Wangari to prove that she was perfectly fine after the breakup.

One random night, Wangari did an internal retrospection and realized that she was headed down the road of entertaining toxicity.

‎“Determined to change my trajectory, I decided to get back to my first love- scriptwriting plays,” Wangari explains with a hint of a smile. 

‎Watching her scripts come to life on stage brought deep gratification to her.

After several months of consistently pursuing a passion that her ex-boyfriend had previously ridiculed, she noticed that life became more bearable.

Time that would normally be spent scrolling through her ex-boyfriend's Instagram was instead invested in collaborating with other writers and ultimately improving her skills.

‎Breaking up was never in the cards for Paul Wafula, currently single for three years.

Meeting the love of his life in high school seemed like a scene out of an American teen movie.

Determined to keep the fire burning, Wafula went above and beyond to beat the statistics of young relationships crumbling.

While in campus, Wafula pulled all the stops to make his girlfriend feel his deep endearment. Even though he was on a tight budget just like any comrade, he made to sure save money to take his girlfriend out on a date every Friday night.

‎Tragically, in his fourth year in campus, his father passed away. Initially, he thought that this loss would have little effect on him.

After all, the only time his father made an appearance in his childhood was when Wafula’s mother passed away after succumbing to cancer.

Claiming that he had always been in charge of Wafula, his father tried to loot the money that had been contributed to the funeral.

‎Unbeknownst to him, his father's passing away brought up a lot of unresolved trauma. Trying to distract himself, he would often lock himself in his room and spend the whole day binge eating. After two months of this habit, he became borderline obese.

Instead of being the shoulder for Wafula to lean on, his girlfriend would begin and end her day degrading him. Even after seeing him in the pits of depression, his girlfriend abruptly left him without so much as a text.

‎“After months of internalising how ‘weak’ I was as a man, I decided to begin loving myself by prioritizing my health- the gym has since then been my emotional outlet,” Wafula explains.

‎Self-love for singles does not always entail grand activities. In some cases, something that would otherwise be perceived by society as trivial ends up being the missing puzzle for some singles.

When Jane Mwende, recently single, broke up with her boyfriend two months ago, she was finally elated to be out of a toxic situation.

Looking in the mirror after the breakup, Mwende could barely recognise the deflated woman who stared right back at her. 

‎“My form of self-care after months of toxicity is reverting back to my fashion sense that had been dimmed- vibrant mini-skirts are now more up my alley,” Mwende voices.

‎For Mark Kiprono, single for a year, his version of self-love often stirs controversy. Kiprono has always been a partner who goes out of his way to make his partner feel special.

However, in the case of his recent relationship, nothing he ever did satisfied his girlfriend. Despite his meagre earnings, he tried to spoil his girlfriend even if that meant he would forfeit a meal for two days.

‎One weekend, his girlfriend gave him an hour-long lecture about how he rarely bought her flowers.

Comparing him to her friend’s boyfriends, the girlfriend lamented on how nonchalant he was in their relationship.

Determined to make amends, he personally delivered a bouquet of roses to her house.

Nothing could have prepared Kiprono for the humiliation that he endured in front of curious neighbours.

Unprovoked, his girlfriend threw the bouquet in his face, claiming that if he wanted to be cheap, then he should have never bought the flowers.

‎“When my ‘boys’ ridicule me for buying myself flowers every week, they do not understand that it is my way of healing the part of my heart that my ex broke,” Kiprono states.

‎Sharing with The Star, Fiona Nyambura, a counselor, explains how important self-love is for singles.

The society’s tendency to demean self-love for singles as a sad attempt to console themselves for being alone is deluded.

The idea of loving yourself is not just a ‘feel-good’ concept; it is essential for mental health.

Research shows that self-compassion is linked to lower stress, reduced anxiety, and even improved physical health.

Singles who actively practice self-love tend to set better boundaries, build stronger relationships, and experience less burnout. 

‎As a single person, notice your thoughts and feelings. Pay attention to what makes you happy, sad, or uneasy.

Understanding your emotional landscape is crucial for self-love. Identifying negative self-talk is also crucial.

Recognise when you're being overly critical or self-deprecating. Instead of going sinking to the pits of self-deprecation, replace those thoughts with positive affirmations.

In addition, prioritise your self-care by engaging in activities you enjoy. 

Pursue hobbies, spend time in nature, or try new things that spark your interest. Make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul.

‎“Even if it’s a small solo date every Friday after work, do not allow society to shame your self-love as a single person,” Nyambura emphasises candidly.