In loving memory: The raw reality of losing a partner

AI illustration of a man grieving the loss of his romantic partner 

The fairytale love stories rarely give you a preview of what follows the happily ever after. A lot of times, people lightheartedly comment that in a healthy relationship, the daunting fear is not infidelity but rather a partner passing away.

Though said comically, most couples are afraid to admit that this scenario is the epitome of their nightmare. Death is not discriminatory of persons, and when it strikes, even the giddy couples are not spared.

Out of the blue, a relationship that breathed life into you drastically tosses you to the abyss of emotional and mental torture.

During the COVID-19 pandemic in Kenya, the silver lining for Henry Mungai, currently a widower of five years, was that he would get the opportunity for more quality time with his wife and children.

Both having busy careers, their schedules often clashed, making it difficult to spend time together.

Moreover, their children were left under the care of the two nannies they had hired. With the lockdown imposed during the pandemic, Mungai could stay home and be at the full disposal of his wife and children. 

When the pandemic initially broke out, Mungai was apprehensive about his wife continuing her nurse job. Nurses and doctors were the first contact for those Kenyans unfortunately infected, and this worried Mungai.

His wife working at a place where patients infected with COVID-19 were being treated did not sit well with Mungai. Despite his concerns, his wife insisted that she could not stay home at a time when her skills were indispensable.

Willing to offer some solace to Mungai, his wife went above and beyond with hygiene measures to reduce the chances of infection.

Always wearing a mask, washing hands immediately after taking care of an infected patient, wearing the airtight protection gear, and showering in the outside bathroom in their home compound before making contact with the family after work—his wife left no stone unturned.

The constant video calls during her work breaks were, however, what dissipated any apprehension that he still harboured. 

One random Friday, his wife came back feeling a little bit under the weather. When her fever skyrocketed, Mungai decided to take her to the hospital in spite of her claims that she was perfectly fine.

At the hospital, the bombshell news that his wife had been infected with COVID-19 rocked his world. On Sunday morning, Mungai woke up to the news that his wife had passed away in her sleep.

There are times when I wish that I should have forbidden her from leaving the house—at least she would still be here to be mad at me," Mungai sadly adds.

The promise of a happily ever after is exactly what convinced Sophie Naliaka to start dating her boyfriend four years ago. Coming from a broken home, Naliaka had experienced firsthand the damage of two emotionally damaged individuals coming together in a relationship.

Often caught in the crossfire of her parents’ screaming matches, Naliaka would be forced to try and diffuse things every time. Vowing that this would not be her reality in the future, Naliaka swore off romantic relationships.

Nevertheless, a certain tall, dark, and handsome man came into her life and did not shy away from turning what she thought she knew upside down. While at a high-end restaurant, the man flashed a vibrant smile to Naliaka as he walked to his table.

For the first time, Nalika felt compelled to entertain the idea of being in a relationship. However, chalking her crush on him to his attractiveness, Naliaka tried to go on with her meal.

After half an hour, this man approached Naliaka and kindly asked if she minded him sitting with her. Not minding some company, Naliaka readily obliged. An animated conversation at a warmly lit restaurant was the genesis of their love story.

Their initial casual relationship snowballed into a committed relationship. At that moment, Naliaka thanked her lucky stars for bestowing her the most amazing man in the world.

The stability in their relationship was the cherry on top for Naliaka. Already used to a chaotic environment, the calmness that came with stability was a welcome reprieve for Naliaka.

By the end of their first year of dating, Naliaka put down her walls and instead began visualizing how beautiful their marriage would be.

Five weeks ago, like clockwork, Naliaka’s boyfriend had geared up for the monthly weekend getaways that he had with his ‘boys’.

Hugging him, Naliaka was oblivious to the fact that it would be the last time she would get to smell his distinct mixture of his cologne scent and the leather jacket he always wore when riding. After she playfully patted his helmet, Naliaka watched as her boyfriend rode his motorbike away.

When Naliaka got the news that they had all arrived safe, she went about her day enjoying the house all to herself. Though Naliaka tried to busy herself with overtime at work and impromptu brunch dates with her girlfriends, nothing beat receiving videos from her boyfriend of him having fun with his friends.

Missing him too much, Naliaka was all in all happy that the day of her boyfriend’s return was drawing near.

I just remember being woken up in the middle of the night to the tragic news that my boyfriend had passed away after a catastrophic road accident.” Naliaka explains grief-stricken.

From that moment, Naliaka has been moving through life robotically. Still in shock, Naliaka does not even remember how the burial ceremony unfolded. The countless hugs and words of consolation did little to help her heart that has since turned cold.

Sharing with The Star, Denson Omondi, a therapist, explains how the loss of a romantic partner is enough to put someone’s life in a standstill.

Considering that death snatches a partner you had previously built your world around, expecting such a person to bounce back immediately is a tall order. 

The first step after losing a romantic is acknowledging your feelings, regardless of how raw and painful they are. Suppressing your emotions is not healthy because over time, these buried emotions will bubble back up intensely.

When this occurs, your fragile emotional state will make it difficult to implement healthy coping mechanisms.

Furthermore, establishing a routine is also vital for people experiencing loss of their romantic partners. This routine can encompass activities that had always brought you joy before your loss. In the same breath, the routine can entail new hobbies.

Whatever the routine will involve, the important thing is that the routine makes you feel grounded.

Do not also be in a hurry to try every activity under the sun—there is no shame in pacing yourself depending on your grief.

"Do not be afraid to seek help from your close circle or support groups—accepting help is its own kind of strength.” Omondi emphasizes.