Love on her terms: Experiences of women taking on 'men's role' in dating

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When dating, a woman is expected by society to follow the lead of the man.

Calling first, planning the date, paying the bill after the date, are things expected to be second nature to men dating.

However, in recent years, some women have revolutionized the dating scene by taking up roles perceived as masculine.

This group of women seeking love are unwilling to allow men they deem clueless to take the leadership role.

After five years of waiting for the perfect man to fall into her lap, Faith Muchiri, currently married, decided to take charge of her dating life.

No longer willing to leave her dating life up to chance, Muchiri vowed to make the first move the next time she saw a man who ticked all her boxes.

When Muchiri met a certain tall, dark, and handsome man during a karaoke session, she approached him and asked for his number.

She still remembers how shocked the man was when she boldly asked for his number.

Not even giving him a chance to recover from his shock, Muchiri asked him if he was open to going on a lunch date the following week.

Probably thinking he was being duped, the man laughed nervously as he gave Muchiri his number.

However, after seeing how serious Muchiri was, he agreed to go on a lunch date with her.

The following day, Muchiri had already texted him the venue and time for the lunch date. For the first six months of dating, Muchiri would be the one leading the relationship.

Though her friends were skeptical of this, Muchiri was unwavering in her resolve to pursue love in this fashion.

Knowing that his nonchalant tendencies stemmed from his insecurities of being cheated on previously, Muchiri was willing to go above and beyond to have a successful love story.

“My friends thought that my ‘desperation’ had finally pushed me over the edge, but in my fifth year in marriage, dare I say that my method paid off?” Muchiri comically remarked.

In her second year in campus, Helen Njuki, currently dating, decided to act on the year-long crush she had tried to conceal.

For a whole year, Njuki had camouflaged in the background while the man she liked jumped from one casual relationship to the next.

Though they had talked previously, it was strictly because of a group work project.

Coming to the realization that nothing would ever change in her favour if she still stayed in the background, Njuki decided to pursue what she desired.

Trying to calm her nerves, Njuki approached her crush one day after class. However, when Njuki asked if the feelings were mutual, the awkwardness was palpable.

What made the whole situation worse was that Njuki had approached him in front of his friends.

His friends’ bellowing laughter and mocking whistles made Njuki grind her teeth while internally recoiling.

Feeling slighted, Njuki cowered back into the background. Nevertheless, after catching him looking at her randomly for several days, Njuki had enough.

Wanting to lay her suspicions to rest, Njuki approached him once again to ask whether he had feelings for her.

Much to Njuki’s surprise, her crush admitted that he had always wanted to ask her out.

According to him, Njuki asking him first had thrown him for a loop, hence his reaction.

When they began dating, Njuki soon realized that her boyfriend was green in dating.

Things that men dating naturally did were an enigma for her boyfriend.

However, seeing the value in her boyfriend, Njuki decided to spearhead their relationship in the right direction.

“Though most people ridicule me, I am not ashamed of taking the masculine role for the first two years of dating—my man just needed a little guidance,” Njuki adds.

That being said, all is not sunshine and rainbows for women who choose to take the masculine role during dating.

Gabrielle Akello, single for three years, still rues the day she decided to date with a masculine mindset.

From a young age, Akello had always taken charge of things naturally.

Therefore, when she felt like she was ready to start dating, Akello did not shy away from going against the stereotypical notion that women should take the backseat while dating.

At a live orchestra performance, one violin player stood out for Akello.

Whether it was because of the warm light illuminating his face or his occasional smile when the audience positively reacted to a part of the performance, Akello knew that she had deeply fallen in love.

Wasting no time after the performance, Akello found her way backstage and asked for the man’s phone number.

When the man readily obliged, Akello thought that the feeling was mutual. Akello was soon to realize how sorely mistaken she was.

Though Akello did not mind taking charge of their relationship, she started taking note of his standoffish behaviour.

Asking for a simple thing like a hug in public would result in Akello’s boyfriend claiming that she was more concerned with putting on a show for onlookers.

“In my haste to take charge of the relationship, I was blinded to all the red flags that were blaring right in my face,” Akello says.

Talking to The Star, Nelima Nanjala, recently single, had never imagined that her taking up the masculine role while dating would end in premium tears.

 While she was in campus, Nanjala had been too afraid to make the first move on a classmate she always admired.

Being bullied for her dark skin tone, Nanjala felt like hoping this classmate would notice her was a far-fetched dream.

Nevertheless, after seeing him at her friend’s party after graduation, Nanjala decided to throw caution to the wind.

Convincing herself that she was not out of his league, Nanjala decided to ask him out on a date.

Much to her surprise, this classmate immediately agreed.

Though Nanjala heard his friends laughing after she left, what mattered to her was that her crush was also interested in her.

After a month of dating, Nanjala began noticing that her boyfriend seemed almost repulsed by the thought of being seen with her in public. In their relationship, Nanjala was the one who went above and beyond to improve their relationship—for instance, by organizing random dates.

Despite Nanjala’s efforts, her boyfriend still treated her like she was a bother.

Thinking that he was probably cheating on her, Nanjala decided to go through his phone one random night.

“Can you imagine the emotional whiplash I got when I realized that my boyfriend had just agreed to date me out of a dare he was given by his friends?” Nanjala poses.

When Nanjala confronted her boyfriend, the best he could do was say that the whole situation was not a big deal and that she was overreacting.

Seeing how he casually smiled while she was hurting deeply, Nanjala realized that she had been living with her worst enemy.

Though her dignity was shredded to pieces, Nanjala packed her bags angrily, not willing to deplete her self-worth.