Defying expectations: Dating child-free women in Kenya

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A few years ago, the notion that a woman would want to be child-free was unfathomable.

For generations, society has drilled into the minds of women the expectation of getting married and bearing children.

This was the milestone that many Kenyan women at the time vowed to go above and beyond to achieve.

However, as change is inevitable, some Kenyan women no longer view motherhood as the sign of a fulfilled life.

These women are making the unwavering decision to search for love while being unapologetically child-free.

Jessica Wanjiru, a 40-year-old single woman, still remembers the events that cemented her decision to be child-free. Growing up, her childhood had been nothing but traumatic.

First and foremost, her family came from a humble background.

Getting a basic need like one meal per day was a venture that forced her parents to scramble for a few coins by doing casual jobs. As if that wasn’t enough, Wanjiru’s father was abusive.

Her father’s abuse was like a stab in the back because, from a tender age, Wanjiru had always been a daddy’s girl. When sober, he was the best husband and father.

However, the moment he got drunk, it was as if his inner demons took the reins. The physical abuse worsened when Wanjiru’s father got injured at work, rendering him jobless for several years.

Drinking to escape his frustrations, he ended up inflicting more physical abuse on Wanjiru and her mother.

What pained Wanjiru more was how her mother had resigned herself to the belief that the abuse was normal.

The first time her mother ran away from home with Wanjiru, Wanjiru was elated because she thought her mother had finally opened her eyes to the dysfunction in the family.

However, after a week of her father persistently calling to apologise, her mother decided to go back and give him one more chance.

This one chance turned into a vicious cycle of her mother leaving with Wanjiru, only to be pulled back in by flimsy apologies.

Wanjiru grimaces, “Seeing how my dysfunctional parents were blinded to the fact that I was caught in the crossfire of their toxicity, I vowed to never have children.”

Speaking with The Star, Mercy Chepkirui, a 25-year-old single woman, says that her younger self would have never thought of being child-free.

Chepkirui was one of those girls who would fight tooth and nail to get the role of a mother in make-believe childhood games.

Therefore, when her parents informed her one evening that her mother was expectant, nothing could have matched her excitement. Being a teenager at the time, Chepkirui vowed to move heaven and earth to be the best sibling.

From the onset of her mother’s pregnancy, there were complications because of her age.

At 35 years and with diabetes, Chepkirui’s mother fell into the category of women with high-risk pregnancies.

Though she narrowly made it to her due date, they were all happy because it marked the end of a tumultuous journey for the family.

Unfortunately, Chepkirui’s mother lost so much blood while giving birth and ended up passing away.

Barely having time to grieve the loss, the newborn child also passed away due to breathing difficulties.

Life was never the same after this. Chepkirui’s father retreated into grief, while she turned off her emotions and robotically moved through life.

An event that was supposed to bring joy to their family ended up being the epitome of their worst nightmare.

Chepkirui expresses candidly, “Some of my peers claim that I will change my mind about being child-free, but they can never understand how deeply traumatised I am.”

For Kenyan men, their opinions are split on dating child-free women. Oscar Opondi, a 35-year-old single man, is one of the men who does not support the idea of dating child-free women. Opondi has never been a man who looked forward to marrying.

Quite the opposite, Opondi knew from his early 20s that having children would be the only reason he would get married. The only thing that has been holding him back from having children is the financial stability he wishes to achieve first.

Therefore, the possibility of Opondi dating a child-free woman is slim to none. In the past five years alone, his mother has consistently called him weekly to ask where her grandchildren are.

A child-free woman, for Opondi, would send his mother into hysteria because he is the only child.

Opondi explains, “I understand that child-free women have valid reasons for their choice, but respectfully, they are not my cup of tea, romantically.”

Unlike Opondi, James Irungi, married for seven years, ended up finding the love of his life by dating a child-free woman. In his early 40s, Irungi’s perceptions had evolved with age.

Something he had previously highly regarded, like having children, became a trivial matter to him. Being single at the time, what took center stage in his life was finding true love.

Therefore, when his wife opened up to him on their first date that she was child-free, it was a non-issue. At first, when his friends found out, they warned him against ‘settling’ with any woman just because he was ‘desperate’ to find love.

Additionally, his family put up a strong fight for a whole year against them dating. His family especially thought he had been coerced into also being child-free.

However, unbeknownst to them, Irungi was never going to let outside influence deter him. Having finally found the woman of his dreams, he would be damned if he let other people’s judgment rob him of his fairytale love.

His wife even asked him several times while they were dating if he was certain that he also wanted to be child-free.

Having met several men who pretended to understand her choice but later tried to change her, she was slightly apprehensive.

However, when Irungi reassured her that the decision was not impulsive, they both decided to ignore the hate they were receiving.

Irungi states with a hint of a smile, “Seven years later, I am happily married to the most beautiful woman—being child-free does not make her any less in my eyes.”

Talking to The Star, Claire Mueni, a relationship expert, explains that child-free women are not outcasts but rather women who also deserve a fair shot at finding love.

The common misconception that some men have is that with enough love and attention, they can change a woman’s decision to be child-free.

Just like any relationship, starting one to change a child-free woman’s decision is a recipe for disaster. If you are a man who wants children in the future, do not pursue a child-free woman.

Mueni reiterates, “Society needs to stop treating child-free women like children who have not yet mentally developed to make sound decisions.”