Silent saboteur: The love killer no one talks about

Like a dark looming cloud, self-sabotage can cast a shadow over even the most promising of relationships.

Rarely does society openly discuss how painful it is to have a beautiful relationship within reach, only to watch it unravel because of one’s own destructive behaviours.

Even more concerning is how casually self-sabotage is often treated, despite being a silent killer in many relationships.

Before Sandra Mumo joined the university, she had been single for five years. She entered campus with one goal in mind: to focus exclusively on her education.

Fresh from a painful breakup with her high school sweetheart, Mumo had made up her mind to shut down any prospects of romance.

Still nursing emotional wounds, she was unwilling to risk heartbreak again.

However, that resolve quickly faded when she was paired with a handsome, broad-shouldered classmate for a group assignment.

His infectious smile and the confident way he led their discussions slowly broke through her emotional wall. Despite her initial hesitation, Mumo knew she was falling for him.

After a year of playful back-and-forth, he finally asked her to be his girlfriend, and Mumo joyfully accepted. For her, it felt like the beginning of a fairytale.

But just two months into the relationship, the fantasy began to crumble.

Mumo had always known her boyfriend had a big personality; he was charismatic and widely admired. At social events, he was the life of the party. If he didn’t attend, many people didn’t bother showing up, convinced the event would be dull without him.

While Mumo initially found his popularity endearing, it quickly became a source of insecurity. His easy interactions with other women began to ignite jealousy in her.

A simple smile directed at another woman could send Mumo into a spiral of overthinking.

In her mind, friendliness equated to flirtation, and flirtation meant betrayal. Even though her boyfriend consistently included her in his plans and introduced her proudly at social gatherings, Mumo remained suspicious.

It reached a point where any reassurance from him was viewed with suspicion. When he offered to share his phone and laptop passwords in a bid to earn her trust, Mumo dismissed it as a manipulative tactic. She accused him of deleting incriminating evidence in advance.

“Not taking the time to heal from my past relationship,” Mumo reflects.

“I ended up losing a man who was a true gem.”

Roy Wafula, a man in his mid-thirties and divorced for five years, knows the sting of self-sabotage all too well.

Speaking to The Star, he recalled how many of his past girlfriends had warned him about his tendency to sabotage relationships. At the time, he brushed off their concerns, convinced they were just shifting blame.

Then came the woman who changed everything. He met her during a road trip with his friends, and he was instantly captivated. Within six months, they were engaged.

Though friends and family cautioned him about the rushed timeline, Wafula believed he had found his soulmate and didn’t want to waste any more time.

Their grand wedding painted a picture of happiness, but it was short-lived.

Due to their demanding work schedules, the couple hadn’t spent enough quality time together before getting married.

As the honeymoon phase faded, deep-seated differences emerged. One point of friction was his wife’s habit of going out with her girlfriends on random weekdays.

To Wafula, this signalled boredom and disinterest in their marriage. To his wife, it was simply a way to unwind after work with her lifelong friends.

“What I initially thought was passion from my end ended up being self-sabotage antics that depleted the life out of our marriage," he says.

Unlike Mumo and Wafula, Barbara Njambi, recently out of a relationship, was on the receiving end of self-sabotaging behaviours.

From the early days of their campus romance, she noticed her boyfriend seemed to believe he was dating out of his league.

No matter how often she reassured him that he was everything she wanted in a man, her words never sank in. His insecurity morphed into possessiveness.

He would often wait outside her classes and monitor her interactions with male classmates.

On several occasions, she’d wake up in the middle of the night to find him scrolling through her phone. If he came across even a single message from a man, regardless of whether Njambi had reciprocated the attention, it was enough to spark a heated argument that would last till dawn.

Frustrated by the constant accusations, Njambi one night impulsively decided to go through his phone while he slept. What she discovered left her reeling; thread after thread of messages revealed his infidelity.

When she confronted him, his response stunned her.

“He told me he cheated because he was sure I would eventually do the same,” she recalls.

“He wanted to beat me to it.”

Njambi shakes her head. “Can you imagine being so blinded by self-sabotage that you end up driving the relationship over the cliff yourself?”

According to Paul Njeru, a Nairobi-based relationship expert, self-sabotage in relationships often stems from deep-rooted emotional wounds, typically from past rejection, abandonment, or childhood trauma.

“Self-sabotaging behaviours like pushing your partner away, testing their love, or withholding vulnerability directly erode trust,” Njeru explains.

“They prevent the development of emotional intimacy, which is the core of a healthy relationship.”

He adds that people trapped in cycles of self-sabotage often battle constant anxiety.

They overthink every interaction, misread intentions, and live in fear of being hurt, ironically causing the very pain they seek to avoid.

These behaviours can manifest as criticism, defensiveness, gaslighting, or stonewalling, all of which disrupt honest communication.

When communication breaks down, misunderstandings multiply, and resentment builds, slowly dismantling the relationship’s foundation.

“Having past trauma should not be an excuse for entertaining your self-sabotaging tendencies,” Njeru emphasises.

“Seek help, whether through therapy, support groups, or self-work.”

Healing, he says, is not a passive process. It requires conscious effort, self-awareness, and vulnerability.

For Mumo, Wafula, and Njambi, hindsight offers clarity, but also painful lessons. Their stories underscore a truth many avoid: love alone isn’t enough. If left unaddressed, self-sabotage can turn even the most promising relationships into emotional battlegrounds.

The first step toward healthier love, experts say, starts within.