First-Time Mothers: The pain, the joy and the Truth

‎Having a child for the first time is a unique experience for each woman.

For some expectant women, the months leading up to being a first-time mother are filled with excitement as they go from one baby shop to the next to make the next big purchase.

On the other side of the spectrum, some expectant women are paralysed in fear as the reality of becoming a first-time mother draws nearer.

‎Mary Gathoni, a recent first-time mother, was one of those expectant women who would count down the days left to meet her bundle of joy. Despite her earlier apprehension that she would have a tumultuous pregnancy, her journey was nothing short of bliss.

When Gathoni realised that she was not experiencing the morning sickness she had dreaded, she immediately turned off her mind and just waited to give birth.

‎Before her due date, Gathoni had done her due diligence by extensively researching on the internet the different things that can help a woman during the childbirth.

From practising breathing techniques, doing yoga to stretch the body, trying different positions favourable for giving birth, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, Gathoni felt more than ready to give birth.

However, within the first hour of labour pains, Gathoni knew that she was in for a rough ride, and nothing could have prepared her for that.

 “I kid you not, in those moments of intense labour, I was sure that I was going to die and leave my poor husband with a newborn baby," Gathoni said.

‎After ten hours of a rocky labour, Gathoni was at her wits' end. Bone tired from all the screaming, crying and pacing she did while in labour, Gathoni was unable to push the baby when the time came.

An emergency C-section had to be done, throwing the birth plan that she wanted out the window. Though Gathoni is happy that the silver lining was having a beautiful daughter, any plans for having more children have been put on the back burner for now.

‎Speaking to The Star, Sharon Mukami, a mother to a five-year-old son, explains that being a first-time mother while still at campus was not in her cards.

Living by the mantra that you only live once, Mukami did not shy away from fully experiencing campus life, especially spicing up her romantic life.

When she realised that she was pregnant, Mukami had a gut feeling that the father of the child would not bear any responsibility. True to her instinct, the father of the child left Mukami hanging dry, saying she was not the father of the child, even as she accused her of  ‘promiscuity’.

‎In the first months of her pregnancy, Mukami’s mental health had plummeted to the pits. Not only did she have to worry about motherhood, but also her academic life.

Being in her fourth year at the time, Mukami could not see how she would manage her final projects and have a child. Though she tried to mask her stress, Mukami’s friends noticed her energy shift and prodded her.

When Mukami finally informed them that she was pregnant, her friends immediately jumped into action, assuring her that she was not alone.

 “When they told me that they would be with me every step of the way, I thought that it was one of the things that people loosely said without meaning it," ‎Mukami said.

‎However, after seeing how consistently her friends were showing up for her, the walls that Mukami had initially put up began cracking. Mukami was shielded from misinformation about her by the friends before it took root.

Even after Mukami gave birth, her friends made sure that they were at her beck and call whenever she needed anything. Five years later, the life of Mukami’s son is coloured with overwhelming love from his mother and his ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles’ who are ready to spoil him at the drop of a hat.

‎When Marcia Kawera, a recent divorcee, became a first-time mother, she never imagined that it would be a catalyst for the end of her marriage.

Though Kawera’s marriage had been full of squabbles before the pregnancy, Kawera and her ex-husband thought that their marriage could not get worse.

If anything, they both believed wholeheartedly that parenthood would bring them closer together. Soon, they would both realise how sorely mistaken they were.

‎Right from the gate, the tension in their marriage heightened after their daughter’s birth.

To begin with, Kawera’s ex-husband preferred to go golfing with his friends to celebrate his fatherhood while Kawera lay in a hospital bed recovering from the complications that sprang up during the childbirth. This incident set the tone for the events that followed.

‎As Kawera suffered in the abyss of postpartum depression, Kawera’s ex-husband went on his merry way, oblivious. Whenever Kawera complained about how she felt alone and unsupported, her ex-husband would dismiss her concerns as trivial.

According to Kawera’s ex-husband, with two house managers and a nanny in the house, Kawera had no justifiable reason to feel overwhelmed. Seeing how dismissive her ex-husband was, she decided to keep mum and focus on their daughter.

“What was my final straw was when I got wind that while I was left home going above and beyond for our daughter, he was busy cheating on me with several side chicks," ‎Kawera noted.

‎Following this infidelity, Kawera filed for divorce and full custody of their daughter.

After several years of chasing him down to pay child support, Kawera gave up. Prioritising her peace, Kawera resolved to navigate parenthood alone, with being a first-time mother adding another layer of complexity.

‎Talking to The Star, Kevin Ngaluma, a counsellor, advises first-time mothers to be prioritize their mental health. As a first-time mother, build a strong support network by connecting with your partner, family, friends, and other mothers.

Ngaluma avers that sharing experiences and asking for help can alleviate feelings of isolation and stress. In circumstances where the people in your life are not supportive, he advises one to consider joining a local or online support group.

‎Moreover, he adds that first-time mothers should set realistic expectations.

"The first step can be letting go of the pressure to maintain a perfect home or achieve pre-baby levels of productivity. As a first-time mother, prioritise what truly matters and focus your energy on essential tasks," he said.

“As a first-time mother, do not subject yourself to the society’s unrealistic expectations of being the perfect mother- just be the best mother you know you can be.”