Toxic exes, broken bonds: How the past is haunting new relationships

Getting out of a relationship with a toxic ex-partner and finding someone better may feel like a silver lining.

However, if the emotional shackles from your past continue to weigh you down, any new relationship is likely to suffer.

Not many people are willing to remain in situations where they constantly deal with toxic interference from a partner’s ex.

Often, having a toxic ex can become an isolating experience that pulls one back into the same cycle they were trying to escape.

Helen Muchoki, who is currently single, thought the hardest part was over the moment she ended things with her toxic ex-boyfriend.

Despite being trapped in an on-and-off relationship for over a year, his sudden silence gave her hope that they had finally moved on.

But just as she found the man of her dreams, her ex-boyfriend reappeared in her life, this time with more malicious intent.

At first, the antics seemed subtle; he would randomly show up at clubs where she and her new boyfriend were hanging out.

Although slightly unsettled, Muchoki dismissed it as a coincidence, considering the limited clubbing spots in the area.

She tried to have a mature conversation with her ex, urging him to let go and move on. That conversation, she believes, pushed him over the edge.

The very next night, her new boyfriend confronted her, accusing her of secretly meeting her ex.

Amid the chaos, Muchoki realised that her ex had twisted the events to make it look like she had cheated.

“As much as I want to be angry at my recent boyfriend for believing my toxic ex so quickly,” Muchoki said.

“I understand that being in that environment is not for everyone.”

Gavin Waweru, also recently single, shared with The Star how his toxic ex-girlfriend played a major role in ending his relationship.

In the months leading up to his engagement, Waweru felt like he was living his dream.

After years of being single, his happily-ever-after seemed within reach.

On the day of the ruracio, the sun made an unexpected but welcome appearance, adding joy to the already cheerful mood.

But nothing prepared him for what was to come.

Suddenly, a woman carrying a baby walked into the room where the bride price was being negotiated.

It was his ex-girlfriend.

She began wailing and accused Waweru of abandoning her after she told him she was pregnant.

In that moment, the many unanswered calls from an unknown number began to make sense.

Waweru tried to explain that he had cut off all communication with her five years earlier after their breakup. Judging by the child’s age, he was sure the baby wasn’t his.

However, his fiancée and her family seemed to believe his ex’s dramatic claims more than his composed explanation.

“Even after the DNA test proved I wasn’t the father, my ex had already achieved her goal, breaking off my engagement.”

Still, not all stories involving toxic exes end in ruin.

Patrick Lumumba, who has been married for five years, is grateful for his supportive wife.

When they started dating, he made sure to tell her about his toxic ex-girlfriend. Aware that not all women would be comfortable with such baggage, he didn’t want to mislead her.

To his surprise, she assured him that she was ready to stand by him because she believed in his character. Though hesitant at first, Lumumba decided to trust her.

Among all the toxic antics, the worst was when his ex badmouthed his girlfriend to his mother.

Lumumba had often joked that his ex dated him more for his mother than for him. True to her manipulative nature, she had always acted devoted whenever his mother was around.

“I’ll forever be indebted to my wife,” Lumumba said.

“She kept showing up until the illusion my mother had about my ex faded away; they are now practically best friends.”

According to relationship expert Jemimah Mukendi, dealing with a toxic ex can be emotionally draining and damaging to mental health. It often makes it hard to heal and move forward.

Mukendi advises that the first step in dealing with such situations is to set clear boundaries, deciding what behaviour, communication, and contact is acceptable and what is not.

This may be difficult, especially if emotional ties still exist, but it is essential for self-preservation.

She also encourages seeking support, whether through therapy, friends and family, or support groups. A solid support system helps process difficult emotions and provides strength to move forward.

“Don’t let the shackles of toxicity from your ex-partner keep you in an unhealthy situation,” Mukendi said.

“Take charge of your romantic life; you deserve happiness.”