The grey area of infidelity: Is cheating a deal-breaker for relationships?

Infidelity in relationships has for a long time been condemned earnestly by the society. It is one of those circumstances that a society, which somewhat looks down on divorcees, permits an exemption for a marriage to end.

However, few people actually take the time to do an internal retrospection of what the gravity of infidelity looks personally to them.

Do you get angered by infidelity because you personally take offense to it, or because the morality set by society expects you to be angry?

‎Talking to The Star, Leah Wairimu, in a seven-year relationship, is one of the few people who do not view cheating in a relationship as such a black and white matter.

If you had asked Wairimu seven years ago, a partner who cheated would have been a deal-breaker for her.

When Wairimu met her current boyfriend on campus, she instantly noticed his flirty personality.

Whether it was because women were flocking around him at the time or that he had a big personality, Wambui’s ex-boyfriend did not shy away from exploring romantically.

‎Even when they started dating, the flirty personality of Wambui’s ex-boyfriend continued to take centre stage. For instance, during one of their night outs, some random women came to greet him.

Oblivious, Wambui’s boyfriend hugged the women longer than necessary and did not even take a second to introduce Wambui as his girlfriend to the women.

Their journey back home that night was filled with a heated exchange. Though Wambui expressed how disrespected she felt at that moment, her boyfriend dismissed her, saying that she was being ‘dramatic’ as usual.

‎Following this, Wambui completely shut down and avoided her boyfriend like a plague. Even though they lived in the same house, you could cut the tension with a knife.

Receiving the cold treatment from Wambui, her boyfriend began staying out for longer hours. Though this concerned Wambui, she was headstrong in her decision to avoid him till he apologized.

“One evening after work, I found him seated with teary eyes and instantly got a gut feeling- he had cheated on me,” ‎Wambui recounts.

‎Stammering his way through an explanation, Wambui’s boyfriend informed her that it in a drunken stupor, he had unfortunately cheated on her with a random woman at the party he had attended the previous night.

At first, Wambui thought of furiously chasing out of the house. However, with a surprisingly calm attitude, Wambui decided to forgive her boyfriend.

Though her silent treatment was not reason enough for him to cheat on her, Wambui felt like their relationship was so broken at that time that infidelity was not a far-fetched cause and effect.

‎Joseph Okumu, a bachelor, reveals that when he cheated on his ex-girlfriend, his perception of infidelity drastically shifted. For a woman he thought would be his happily ever after, cheating on her was never in his cards.

They had just marked their fourth-year anniversary, and their relationship was the healthiest it had been.

After all the immaturity and constant squabbles in their first year, Okumu and his girlfriend had found their footing and rhythmically blossomed their relationship. Okumu felt like he was on top of the world- or so he thought.

‎During one of his business trips, Okumu met a beautiful woman who was working for another corporation that was present at the business summit.

After she approached him with small talk, Okumu felt like he was having an out-of-body experience. One thing led to another, and Okumu ended up cheating on her girlfriend.

‎When Okumu got back home, his ex-girlfriend was as expected, sent into hysteria after getting the news that he had cheated on her.

What pained Okumu was that even though he wanted to comfort his girlfriend, he could not assure her that he would not do the same in the future.

“Paint me the bad guy, but the reaction to your partner cheating should be unique to every couple- for some people cheating is the only way they got to know they are truly not happy in their relationship,” ‎Okumu says.

‎All in all, these progressive views on infidelity are not held by many Kenyans. When Karen Nyambura, recently single, had an inkling that her ex-boyfriend was being unfaithful, she did not hesitate to go through his phone.

At the beginning of their relationship, Nyambura and her ex-boyfriend had mutually agreed to keep off each other’s phones as a sign that they trusted each other.

However, after a month of her ex-boyfriend staying out late and being distant, Nyambura felt like only a fool would not go through his phone.

‎Shaking in rage, Nyambura read incessantly all the messages that detailed his infidelity with several women.

By the time her ex-boyfriend got out of the shower, Nyambura was already shouting in distraught.

What angered Nyambura further was the complete aloofness that her ex-boyfriend exuded despite being the one in the wrong.

“I do not recommend keying your boyfriend’s car like in the movies, but staying in a relationship with a cheat should never be an option for anyone,” ‎Nyambura voices.

‎Caleb Wanjala, in a happy relationship, still rues the day he decided to stay with his ex-girlfriend after she cheated on him.

Though Wanjala had been deeply hurt by the infidelity, he was still deeply in love with her and could not imagine a world where they were together.

When his ex-girlfriend assured him that she would never cheat again, Wanjala brushed his apprehension under the rug.

‎However, what followed was a vicious cycle of infidelity that plummeted Wanjala’s self-esteem. Afraid to remain single for a long time, Wanjala stayed even after the disregard was blatantly displayed in his face.

He reasoned, better the devil you know than the angel you do not know.

“My self-esteem must have nose-dived because of how I deluded myself into believing that every Nairobi woman is a cheat- my woman has since proved me wrong,” ‎Wanjala explains.

‎According to Ruth Mwende, a relationship expert, facing infidelity requires a careful and often painful process of emotional processing with the goal of either healing the relationship or moving forward individually.

In the cases where a couple decides to move on with their relationship in spite of the infidelity, the first step is to avoid the blaming game.

Instead, focus on understanding the situation and your own healing rather than assigning blame. 

‎Furthermore, it is important for both the faithful and unfaithful partner to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can help you navigate the emotional turmoil and make informed decisions about the future of your relationship.

“ If you allow your heightened emotions to impulsively fuel your decision, you have to remember that you will deal with the consequences on your own," ‎Mwende emphasises.