When she earns more: Love, ego and the battle for balance

‎In a typical African household, the man is expected to be the provider. A lot of times, masculinity in an African household is tied to a man’s ability to bear the load of finances on his shoulders without any complaint.

However, these progressive times have revolutionised the workforce with more women working. In fact, there is a rising trend of some women earning more than men.

It goes without saying that a relationship where a woman earns more than the man adds another layer of complexity.

‎When John Masila, a divorcee, first met his ex-wife, he never imagined that finances would ultimately lead to the end of their ten-year marriage. Since the beginning of their relationship, Masila had always been the breadwinner.

Providing for his family was one of the few joys that made the monotonous 9-5 job seem worth it.

Though Masila’s ex-wife had tried her hand in business by selling second-hand clothes, her attempts were futile. Masila was, however, more than willing to be the provider of the family.

‎Out of the blue, Masila’s ex-wife informed him that she wanted to dip her toes once again in business. Still focused on clothes retailing, Masila’s ex-wife insisted that she had a gut feeling that her pursuit would be successful.

Without hesitation, Masila offered to give her startup money for her business. However, Masila’s ex-wife informed him that she had already secured enough funds from a chama group. Though Masila found this peculiar, he swept his apprehension under the rug.

‎Within six months, the business had flourished to a point where she earned double what Masila earned per month.

Happy that the love of his life was basking in the glory of her success, Masila thought that their marriage would only blossom more beautifully from that point. 

‎However, within the first year of her business, his ex-wife began making subtle degrading comments to him.

At first, Masila chalked up her drastic coldness to the high-pressure state of businesses. When the degradation became more blatant, however, he knew that he was in for a turbulent ride ahead.

“I remember one night when our friends had visited us, my ex-wife shamed me by saying that she was waiting for me to step up like other men and pamper her with a vacation in the Maldives,” ‎Masila recounts.

‎As emasculated as Masila felt, he was willing to stay in the marriage and extend grace to his ex-wife.

However, when the cat was let out of the bag that his ex-wife’s business was sponsored by another man, he had had enough.

The fact that his ex-wife had been giving this man sexual favours for her business to be cushioned from losses, he got the final nudge that he needed to serve her divorce papers.

‎Meeting her ex-boyfriend at a certain food joint in Nairobi, Tess Wambui, newly single, thought that she was in the middle of a romantic episode in a Korean drama. The moment they locked eyes, Wambui felt like she had instantly fallen in love with him.

Coming from a humble background, Wambui’s ex-boyfriend had taken a job as a server in that food joint to make extra coins.

Though Wambui would normally not be found in such a food joint, she was elated that she had accepted her friends’ invite.

‎The beginning of their relationship could only be described as bliss. She was so assured that she had found the love of her life. However, after a year, it is like a switch was flipped. Prior to this, her ex-boyfriend had never been embarrassed by earning less than her.

Unbeknownst to Wambui, her ex-boyfriend’s friends had been working overtime in the background, trying to ‘open his eyes’ to the impending doom of their relationship just because she earned more money.

With time, these comments had slowly but surely been etched in the mind of her ex-boyfriend. Soon, he sulked and retreated more, making Wambui feel like she was dating a brick wall.

“The night when I told him that I needed a break, he bitterly said that he was not a charity case and I should just have broken up with him earlier,” ‎Wambui sadly says.

‎Despite the assumption of most people that all relationships where the woman is earning more are doomed, there are people who have defied these odds.

The day James Kiprono, married for 10 years, was called into the office to be laid off remains a core memory for him. As he walked back home in defeat, Kiprono could not help but be frantic with stress.

His wife had, in the previous year, just given birth to their twin daughters, and losing the only source of income in the household was not in Kiprono’s cards. 

‎The only silver lining for Kiprono was that when he broke the news to his wife, she did not ridicule him.

In fact, after a month of Kiprono tarmacking, his wife volunteered to get back to her profession as a chef.

At first, Kiprono was apprehensive because he always wanted to shield his wife from the stress of working. However, after his wife insisted that getting back to her profession had been in her mind long before his work termination, Kiprono obliged.

“It has been seven blissful years of my wife being the provider, and when other men hear that I am happy with being the homemaker, the insistent ridicule begins,” ‎Kiprono states emphatically.

‎According to Rita Mwende, a relationship expert, a woman earning more than the man in a relationship should be a trivial matter.

Navigating a relationship where your female partner earns more requires open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to adapt traditional gender roles and financial responsibilities. Feelings, expectations, and financial goals should be discussed openly.

Address any discomfort or insecurity with your partner, and work together to find solutions that feel equitable for both of you.  

“If, as a man, you feel like a woman earning more than you would emasculate you, take the time to do an internal retrospection of how to handle this insecurity before it robs you of a beautiful relationship,” ‎Mwende emphasises.