Loving in the shadows: Inside the world of secret relationships

AI illustration of a couple in a secret relationship 

One of the most fulfilling aspects of being in a romantic relationship is the assurance of being loved openly and proudly.

Having a partner you can hold hands with in public—someone who doesn’t shy away from claiming you in front of others—is the standard many Kenyans expect in romantic relationships.

However, some Kenyans, whether knowingly or unknowingly, go against the grain by engaging in secret relationships.

Speaking to The Star, Fiona Wairimu, now newly single, remains stunned by how she unknowingly found herself in a secret relationship.

At the beginning, Wairimu was convinced her boyfriend was deeply in love with her. He had persistently pursued her for a year before she finally agreed to date him.

The first red flag appeared when he insisted on inviting his friends to their dates. Given their busy schedules, Wairimu had hoped these outings would be quality time for just the two of them.

She quickly realized how wrong she was when her boyfriend would treat her like one of the guys in front of his friends.

When she raised her concerns during a heated argument, he brushed them off, claiming she was just being dramatic.

One Friday evening after work, while they were relaxing at his place, a knock at the door startled them. It was one of his closest friends. In a panic, her boyfriend told Wairimu to hide in the bedroom closet.

At first, Wairimu thought he was joking. But the look on his face told her otherwise.

“I don’t even remember how I got into the bedroom closet,” Wairimu recalls. “Still in shock, I robotically crouched in the corner, trying to be as quiet as possible.”

From inside the closet, she could hear his friend remark that the house smelled like a woman’s perfume.

Her boyfriend vehemently denied it, saying his friend was imagining things. After the visitor left, Wairimu emerged, packed her belongings in silence, and walked out.

Unlike Wairimu, Kennedy Wafula was fully aware that he was in a secret relationship. Though it wasn’t his first choice, he felt trapped.

Wafula had spent two years pursuing the woman he loved. Refusing her terms for a private relationship felt like letting all that effort go to waste. So he chose to make the best of it.

But the relationship always felt doomed. He was only allowed to visit her at night and on weekdays, to avoid being seen in public together.

What hurt most was that even during these secret meetings, his girlfriend often ignored him, glued to her phone.

“My self-esteem must have been in the pits,” Wafula says. “I still can’t believe I fully funded her extravagant birthday party—and wasn’t even allowed to attend.”

The final blow came when Wafula discovered he wasn’t the only one she was seeing in secret. She had often told him she feared she was too broken to be loved, but that began to feel like a flimsy excuse for infidelity.

Realising how far he’d compromised himself, Wafula finally ended the relationship.

But not all secret relationships in Kenya are tragic.

Patricia Mueni met the love of her life in her first year at university. For someone who had a long checklist for any man she’d consider dating, Mueni was surprised to find someone who ticked every box.

There was just one issue: her strict parents would never approve of her dating. Living at home and constantly surrounded by family and church friends, she had to keep her relationship under wraps.

“I remember the day we both ran out of a restaurant through the kitchen door,” Mueni says, laughing. “I thought I’d spotted my parents dining there.”

Despite the challenges, Mueni and her boyfriend kept their relationship secret throughout their university years. Now, they’re happily preparing for their ruracio next month.

For Nelson Kiragu, the idea of a secret relationship didn’t seem so bad. After ending a painful seven-year relationship due to infidelity, he wasn’t ready to open his heart again.

When he met someone new, he was upfront about wanting to keep things private. To his surprise, she was on the same page.

Their relationship, though secret, was full of joy—intimate dates at home, trips outside Nairobi, and spontaneous getaways.

“If you’d told me that this woman would end up being my wife and the mother of our two kids, I’d have laughed in your face,” Kiragu says with a smile.

According to relationship expert Sarah Mumbi, secret relationships can be a slippery slope, often leading to toxic cycles if not managed carefully.

Navigating such a relationship requires clear communication, strong boundaries, and a deep understanding of why it needs to remain private in the first place.

“It’s crucial to understand the reason behind the secrecy,” Mumbi says. “It might reveal a need for honest discussion—or a reality check about the future of the relationship.”

She adds, “If you choose to be in a secret relationship, make sure the decision is based on your own wants and needs—not fear or pressure."