Finding true love: From fairytales to hard truths

Watching movies with fairytale endings, many women go through life looking for their knight in shining armour.

More often, women hunt for a man who would not only be romantic at heart but also a refuge when tribulations come knocking.

For the women who are more drawn to the ‘bad boys,’ the hard exterior of these men crumbling in moments of vulnerability is what appeals to them.

All in all, whether your desired type is the knight in shining armour or a ‘bad boy’ on a dirt bike, the need for being deeply endeared is a common denominator for the women who seek real love.

Speaking to The Star, Samantha Wanjiru, an administrator, recounts how she met the love of her life.

Five years ago, Wanjiru had been working as a cleaner in a particular office.

Coming from a humble background, Wanjiru had decided to try looking for job opportunities in Nairobi.

Having dropped out of high school, she had limited job options.

When she secured a job as an office cleaner, Wanjiru was content because she knew that beggars could not be choosers.

When she started working there, she immediately realised that she was in for a rude awakening. It was as if the other employees at the office viewed her in a lesser light.

What began as occasional dirty stares snowballed into complete degradation.

One morning, when Wanjiru was mopping the floor, some employees maliciously dragged their dirty shoes on the part she had already cleaned.

Out of the blue, a male employee who had recently joined the company reproved the co-workers for their blatant disregard.

Even more surprisingly, this man insisted on mopping the muddied floor for Wanjiru. Within no time, they became close acquaintances.

 “Since I had already confirmed that he was a good man, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I happily obliged. I was more excited because this confirmed that the crush I had kept a secret from him for years was not one-sided. I could not have asked for a better boyfriend,” she said.

For Fridah Asembo, who has been married for eight years, love came knocking on her door when she least expected it.

Trying to get over a painful heartbreak, Asembo had resorted to going out constantly to distract herself from her reality.

For a serious relationship of five years to just crumble, Asembo had been clutching at straws, trying to get through a typical day.

During one of those nights out, Asembo was unusually drunk because she saw that her ex-boyfriend had posted on Instagram the woman he had moved on with.

Even though she tried to numb her pain with alcohol, she still felt like the world was slowly but surely suffocating her.

Rushing out of the club to get fresh air, Asembo tried to steady her emotions.

Out of the blue, a rather handsome man approached her, asking if she was alright.

At first, Asembo was dismissive because she thought he was one of those men who creep on drunk women outside the club.

However, after the man stood at a safe distance, he insisted that he would not leave until he made sure she was either in a safe taxi or with one of her friends.

Not interested in going back to look for her friends, Asembo decided to wait for an Uber in the company of the handsome man.

 “I do not understand what he saw in me that first night. Fish drunk and with my mascara messily dried on my face, I must have looked dishevelled. Love is beautiful because even at my most vulnerable moment, he was still able to look at me like I was his whole world,” Asembo comically explains.

“That man is now my husband, and I would go toe to toe with anyone who dared to disturb his peace.”

Nevertheless, not all women are lucky enough to find their true love.

One such woman is Dinah Nafula, a divorcée.

If you had asked Nafula on her wedding day if she had finally found the love of her life, her answer would have been affirmative.

Looking at her soon-to-be husband’s teary eyes as he said his vows to Nafula, how could she not have believed that their love story would stand the test of time?

After two months of marriage, Nafula soon realised that the love he claimed to have for her was all but a façade.

When Nafula first heard of his infidelity, she initially brushed these claims under the rug.

However, after the persistent claims from several women, she realised they could not all be wrong, and her suspicions heightened.

 “What finally broke me was when I got concrete evidence that he was being unfaithful with a woman from church whom I considered my best friend. Confronting him about it, he told me that all men are naturally polygamous, so I should get used to his infidelity,” Nafula narrated.

“I could not believe that I had wasted five years of my life on a man who never deserved an ounce of energy from me.”

Paulina Chelang’at, a university student, had initially thought that the distance between her and her boyfriend would make their hearts grow fonder.

When her boyfriend got a lucky opportunity to work abroad, Chelang’at experienced a plethora of emotions.

Despite being happy that working abroad would open doors of career advancement for her boyfriend, Chelang’at was apprehensive that her boyfriend would break up with her because of the difficulty of sustaining a long-distance relationship.

However, when her boyfriend assured her that their relationship was too precious to be thrown away, Chelang’at could not help imagining a beautiful future for both of them.

The fact that her calls were ignored within the first week—alarm bells should have been sounding in the mind of Chelang’at.

Though he apologised for being inconsiderate, his communication never improved.

What began as a few missed calls in a week eventually progressed to months of no communication, either through texts or calls.

 “It got to a point where I was done putting up with him. How could I even claim to have a boyfriend when the man could not care enough to send me one text per week,” she said.

“The same way he chose to ignore me like the plague is the same way he will know that we are broken up. Why would I waste more of my time on a man who deluded me into believing that I found true love?”

Despite women being vocal about what they desire in men, most men are divided on what women truly need from them.

Chalking it up to women being ‘complicated’ individuals, men have their own perceptions of what women look for when trying to find true love.

 “I don’t think that all women can be put in one basket when you're trying, as a man, to understand what women desire,” James Kimani, a man in a three-year relationship, avers.

“In my case, my girlfriend had always wanted a man who was not nonchalant. Luckily, I fit into that mould because, trust me, if there is one thing I will never shy away from, it’s proudly and openly showing my love for her. Having such a gem, how could I not?”

Unlike Kimani, Maxwell Otieno, currently in an open relationship, believes that women are afraid to be seen as ‘weak’ when some of them genuinely want casual men who barely acknowledge their existence.

During his campus years, he tried to tend to society’s perception of what women truly desire in a man.

“I remember a particular time when I baked a chocolate cake for the girl I was seeing at the time. When she told me in no uncertain terms that I was being cringeworthy, I vowed to be more casual from that moment,” she said.

“Guess what, ever since I took the approach of being completely casual in my interactions with women, they have since flocked around me, each trying to grab my attention.”

According to Aaron Wekesa, a relationship expert, there is no definitive way of finding your true love as a woman.

Wekesa insists that the kind of love that comes knocking unexpectedly is often the one that ultimately leads to the greatest love stories.

 He notes that finding true love as a woman involves a journey of self-discovery, authenticity, and patience.

This entails focusing on building a strong sense of self and fostering genuine connections.

“Prioritise knowing yourself, understanding your values and needs, and being open to meeting new people while maintaining a realistic perspective on relationships. Try to enjoy the wild ride of finding the love of your life instead of fixating on how it will happen. What is meant to be will be,” Wekesa says.