Breaking the norm: When couples defy tribal expectations for love

AI illustration of a Kenyan couple inter-married 

‎Inter-marriages between different tribes is till date a touchy subject that lingers in the minds of many Kenyans.

Though Kenya has taken great strides in leaving tribal bias in the rear view, it goes without saying that this issue still affects the decisions made by some Kenyans in romantic relationships.

For those who decide to intermarry, the probability of the relationship being successful is half and half.

‎When Denson Wanjala started dating a woman from a different tribe, he thought that the stars had aligned for him romantically. Not only was she breathtaking but also a driven woman who had a vision for what she wanted out of life.

These qualities are what initially attracted Wanjala. After three years of dating, Wanjala felt like the next step was marriage.

Though he was apprehensive about how their families would react, Wanjala believed that it was them against the world- any opposition that sprung up would be dealt with head-on together.

‎The first alarm bell was the palpable tension that was in the air when both families met. Both sides acted like the others were peculiar characters from another universe.

Any attempts by Wanjala and his girlfriend to get the ball rolling were vainly met with dirty stares. Even when their families talked, they would only talk among themselves in their mother tongue making a tensed environment worse.

‎After the meeting, Wanjala's girlfriend looked distraught. He initially thought that it was just something would pass but after two months of her sulking, the gravity of our situation dawned on Wanjala.

“One evening, I came home to her empty closet with a long note on the end explaining why she had to break up with me. It is laughable right now that I wholeheartedly believed that it was us against the world," Wanjala recounts.

‎Sharon Muriuki had been looking forward to her wedding day for months.

With a fiancé who adored her and in-laws who welcomed her with open arms despite being from a different tribe, she had finally found her fairytale ending- or so she thought. Her beautiful wedding held the promise of an assured future.

‎A year into their marriage, Muriuki’s husband unfortunately lost his high-paying job. Since Muriuki was flexible with her online work, Muriuki’s husband suggested that they move to his parent’s house as he looked for a stable job.

Initially, Muriuki was apprehensive because she did not want her in-laws to feel like she was invading their personal space. However, after the in-laws reassured that they had enough space for them that was available for as long as they needed, Muriuki gave in.

‎Their hospitality only lasted a week and afterwards, I got tossed in the deep-end of what the reality truly was. From morning till dusk, she would be forced to do all the house chores. 

Instead of acknowledging that her online work was important, the best they could do was complain to her husband that he should have married a woman from their tribe.

“What broke the camel’s back was when my husband deemed my concerns trivial. Realizing that the man I was fighting for did not merit any effort from me, I immediately presented him divorce paper," Muriuki narrated.

‎Nevertheless, all is not gloom for Kenyan who choose to intermarry.

Defying odds, some Kenyan couples have been successful in their intermarriages. If there is something that was drilled in the mind of Claire Mueni from her teenage years, it was that she was forbidden from getting married outside her tribe.

Though she initially thought that her parents were joking around, after hearing this sentiment for years, Claire realized that her parents meant what they said. 

‎When she started dating, Mueni tried to heed to her parents’ instructions. However, after a tall, dark and handsome man pursued her, the question of his tribe quickly became trivial. For the first time, she was ready to risk her parents’ wrath.

When he proposed to her, Mueni remembers how he thought she was not happy with the proposal. What he did not know was the worried look on Mueni’s face was out of sheer panic of introducing him to her parents.

‎During the first introduction, Mueni thought she had developed hyperhidrosis out of the blue because of how profusely she was sweating.

As expected, Mueni's fiancé got a cold reception from her parents. Mueni explains that she is eternally grateful that her fiancé took that rejection as just a chance to win them over.

 “After three months of consistently showing up and availing opportunities to know him better, my parents were won over. They finally got to see what I always saw in him. In fact, I think he won them over so much that he is now my parent’s favourite," Mueni expresseed.

‎Talking to The Star, John Okumu explains that he knew beforehand the kind of resistance he would face if he married a woman from outside his tribe.

This is because he had for years had the front seat to the mistreatment that his elder brother’s wife faced just because she was from a different tribe.

For a woman who was good-natured, the degradation she underwent in the hands of his family was distasteful in Okumu’s eyes. Even after she was turned into the house help of the household, nothing she ever did was enough.

‎When Okumu fell in love with a woman from a different tribe, he made the decision that his family’s opinion would not limit him from having a happy relationship. At the end of the day, Okumu reasoned that his family’s opinion did not hold water, especially in today’s age.

Taking into consideration that not every woman would want to be in a family where she felt unwelcomed, Okumu gave his girlfriend the full picture of what his family was like. However, Okumu vowed to shield her from any opposition that they may face from his family.

‎Okumu comments that he does not  think he had ever been as serious as he was when he introduced his girlfriend to his family.

Before any of my family members could speak, he informed them in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate any disrespect towards his girlfriend. If he even got an inkling that she was being maltreated, Okumu would with no hesitation cut them off.

“I knew that the only reason my sister-in-law had suffered for years was because of the lack of support from my elder brother. I was not willing to make the same mistake. After seeing how serious I was, it’s like a switch flipped. They even began treating my sister-in-law better," Okumu said.