Are your exes driving a wedge? Unpacking their influence on current relationship

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For many people, the word “ex” stirs up feelings of regret, anger, or even rage.

The idea of maintaining any kind of relationship with a former partner—cordial or otherwise—feels absurd, especially when a breakup ends in bitterness.

This is exactly how Penelope Wanjiku feels. After nearly a decade with the same man, she was sure marriage was the next step.

They’d started dating in their late teens, delaying the idea of settling down as they focused on school and career ambitions. But once they’d both found success in their fields, Wanjiku raised the subject of marriage, only to be shut down.

“He said marriage had never been a milestone for him,” she recalls. “After ten years, I realised we’d grown into strangers who were just familiar with each other.”

Eventually, she walked away, devastated.

“Ten years of my life wasted on a man who knew from the jump that he never wanted to marry me. I’ll be damned if I ever entertain him in my life again.”

Solomon Simiyu's breakup came under murkier circumstances. He and his girlfriend lived for weekend parties, but something felt off when a particular man began showing up often.

He was introduced as her “stepbrother”—but Simiyu wasn’t convinced.

His suspicions were confirmed when he found the same man lounging in their living room one evening.

“Turns out he was her ex-boyfriend,” Simiyu says with a grimace.

“When I confronted her, she told me I was the one she was truly devoted to—but I was done. I kicked both of them out.”

Despite the hurt and betrayal many associate with past relationships, not all Kenyans believe that staying in touch with an ex is doomed to fail.

Tina Gatweri is one of them. Despite a rough breakup years ago, she remains close friends with her ex. The reason? They’ve known each other since childhood.

“For months, I tried everything to cut him off,” she says. “But I eventually accepted that he’ll always be a part of my life. Cutting him off felt like erasing a piece of me. My future partner will have to accept that.”

Rick Owino also maintains a friendship with his ex-girlfriend.

After their two-year relationship ended due to irreconcilable differences, Owino sank into depression, but therapy helped him find his footing again. Surprisingly, his ex wanted him to remain in her life.

“At first, I thought we’d cross boundaries,” he admits. “But I realised I wasn’t ready to completely lose her. Now we’re just friends—genuinely.”

He jokes that his friends think he’s just waiting for a second chance. “They say I’m biding my time. But that’s not true. I even encouraged her to date again—and now she’s in a happy relationship.”

But for every story of friendship after love, experts like Charles Kapalei, a relationship counsellor, warn of the risks.

“It’s a slippery slope,” he says. “Lines get blurred easily, especially if emotions haven’t been fully dealt with.”

Kapalei cautions that staying close to an ex isn’t a sign of maturity, and cutting them off doesn’t make one immature.

“You need to ask yourself honestly: can you maintain boundaries? If not, cut it off. It’s not fair to you, your ex, or your current partner.”

In the end, whether one keeps their ex close or far away comes down to personal boundaries, emotional clarity, and hard-earned self-awareness