“If you told me a few years ago that I would be a single mother at 23, I would have laughed in your face.”
These are the raw, unfiltered words of Purity Wairimu, a recent university graduate navigating the harsh realities of single motherhood in Kenya.
From the moment two faint pink lines appeared on her pregnancy test, her life spiralled into a journey she never imagined.
“When I saw the two pink lines on the pregnancy test, the air in my lungs was knocked out by the daunting new reality that I was going to be a mother," she says.
"Just as expected, the guy who had fathered my child vehemently denied any involvement, going as far as labelling me promiscuous. According to him, the pregnancy was just a ruse to trap him in a committed relationship."
According to Wairimu, she was truly disgusted by the fact that this was the type of man who had unfortunately fathered her child.
"I blocked him and wiped off his existence in my mind," she recounts.
Dating as a single mother, especially in Kenya, is no easy feat. It requires a tough skin to withstand snide comments and hypercritical eyes from the rest of the community.
Without a tough exterior, single mothers in Kenya are more likely to crumble under pressure and choose to isolate themselves for the rest of their lives. Purity Wairimu is no stranger to this.
“Three years after I graduated, I decided to attempt dating. I was in a good place in my career, my mental health was the best it had ever been, and I had finally found my footing in motherhood. So I thought, why not? What is the worst that could happen? I soon realised that my optimism was premature," she says.
Laughing dryly, she continues, “I have so many bad dating stories, it is actually perplexing why I keep putting myself out there. One experience, however, takes the prize. I had met this guy at a club in Westlands, and he seemed like a genuine guy. It didn’t hurt that he was good-looking, too. A tall, dark and handsome guy who also smells heavenly, who could resist?"
After that night, Wairimu says, the man asked her out on another date the following weekend.
According to her, the high-end restaurant he suggested exuded his expensive taste, and she urged him to pick a ‘normal’ restaurant for the first date.
"He quickly shut down my concern by reassuring me that a beautiful woman like me deserves the fine things in life. Before the server brought our main course, I mustered the courage to inform him that I am a single mother. The way his eyes bulged out, anyone else from another table would think that he was having a cardiac arrest. My attempts to lighten the mood were met with a brick wall," she says.
"The awkwardness between us following my news was palpable. After he paid for the meal, he coldly informed me that he did not deal with damaged goods. Damaged goods? Ouch!”
Similar to Wairimu’s experience, Claire Nafula has also had a fair share of bad dating experience as a single mother.
Only in Nafula’s case, the emotional trauma made her permanently close the door to finding love.
"At 16 years, I was a truant and in my rebellious phase. I ended up pregnant at the same age, and coming from a religious household, my parents did not take the news well. My father was the pastor at a local church, and my pregnancy was a blemish on the family’s perfect image. Two years after I gave birth, my parents kicked me out, too tired of putting up with the constant ridicule from the neighbours," she says.
"My self-worth deteriorated to a point where I did not recognise myself. I felt like the only thing that would offer solace to me was having a partner. In my mind, if I had a partner who was willing to love me in my broken state, my emotional load would be lighter. That is a mistake I rue till date."
According to Nafula, the man who promised to love her son and herself ended up being their worst nightmare.
"His calm façade quickly slipped, revealing the real angry man that he was. Constant blows and kicks from him when his needs weren’t met. Insistent degradation from him that further plummeted my mental health. How could anyone expect me to open my heart again after that?” she bitterly expresses.
However, not all dating experiences are a nightmare for single mothers in Kenya.
Speaking to The Star, Jacinta Mueni considers herself one of the few single mothers lucky enough to experience their fairytale love.
“It is like they say, good things come when you least expect them. At 34 years old, I had completely thrown in the towel in my pursuit of love. Having two children from two different fathers, men scurried away," she says.
"However, at a festival, my current boyfriend approached me and asked for my number. Sarcastically, I told him that I would spare both of us the time by informing him that I was a single mother to two children. Astonishingly, he consistently pursued me despite my oozing pessimism. Within a few months, he broke down my walls and we started seriously dating."
Mueni says that though they are not both interested in marriage, they are still committed to each other and continue to heal wounds that he never inflicted.
"He is truly heaven-sent," she says.
Contrary to most people’s perception, some men in Kenya are open to dating single mothers. One such man going against the grain is Peter Kipsang.
“When I started dating my wife, who was a single mother at the time, I faced opposition from different fronts. My friends at the time ridiculed me by stating that I was a weak man who had run out of options of potential women to date. Even my mother did not spare me. She constantly questioned my reasons for dating a woman who was most likely only interested in me for my money," he says.
"Despite all this, I stood firm in my decision. I had never met a pure soul like my wife, and I was willing to go above and beyond to keep her in my life. Whether or not people perceive me as weak, the important thing is that my wife and I have been married happily for eight years now."
According to Nelson Gitonga, a relationship expert at Gem Counselling Consultancy, Kenyan men should stop shying away from dating single mothers.
“Most Kenyan men are missing out on so many perks because of their rigid tunnel perception of single mothers. Dating a single mother can be beneficial for a variety of reasons. Single mothers often possess a unique set of qualities that can make them excellent partners, including independence, strength, and a clear understanding of what they want in a relationship," he says.
"They are often more mature, responsible, and appreciate stability. Furthermore, dating a single mother can broaden one's perspectives and potentially lead to a more fulfilling relationship dynamic."
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