Polygamy in Kenya: Women speak on love, betrayal and boundaries

Khadija thought she had married a man who defied tradition. Instead, he became the very thing she feared most, a husband with three wives.

Opening up to The Star, Khadija recounts the painful journey that led her into a polygamous marriage she once swore to avoid.

“When my husband was courting me, I made him promise that he would not wed another wife while I was still married to him. Both of us, being raised as Muslims, understood that a man is allowed to have up to four wives," she says,

"However, I had vowed that I would not walk the same path as my mother. Taking the time to listen to me, he vowed to be monogamous. I was elated because, in my eyes, I had secured a good Muslim man who was also not polygamous. Nobody could waver my opinion that I had hit the jackpot.”

Three years into their marriage and with two children, Khadija noticed a subtle change in her husband’s demeanour. The warmth and attention he once showed her became rare.

“When I had had enough of his peculiar behaviour, I confronted him. That’s when he bluntly informed me that he was, at that moment, looking for another wife, with the help of his mother," she says.

"Nauseated, the reality set in: I was just like my mother. Weighing my options, I decided to stay with him. Not only am I financially unstable as a housewife, but I also never wanted my children to grow up in a divorced household."

"Even when he introduced a third wife two years after marrying the second, I kept mute and isolated myself. The man I once thought the world of had betrayed me and turned my heart to stone. I, however, have only myself to blame for believing a man’s promises,” she says with regret.

However, Jeremy Gitonga’s positivity towards polygamy was inbred from a tender age.

“I am the third child of my father’s second wife. From childhood, polygamy was normalised in my home. My father married my mother as his second wife," he says.

"When I started seriously dating after campus, I knew that polygamy was a concept I wanted to pursue in marriage. I currently have two wives who coexist beautifully. Their co-existence truly perplexes me because they are both fiery people with witty tongues. I think it’s because they can acknowledge my good leadership as the man of the house. One more wouldn’t hurt, right?”

Gitonga’s sentiments do not resonate with Brian Ngaluma. Talking to The Star, Ngaluma explains why he is wary of polygamy.

“I think polygamy just adds more burden on a man’s plate. Having one wife is already an uphill task in terms of responsibility, especially if you’re the provider in the house, like in most African households. Fully catering to the needs of one woman physically, emotionally, and financially is no child’s play," he says.

"What happens when the co-wives do not get along? Whose side will you be on? Will you spend a majority of your marriage solving conflicts among your wives? This is time that should be better utilised by investing in businesses that create generational wealth. What will happen to the children from your multiple wives? Will they have to live from hand to mouth because of limited resources in the house? Or will they fight tenaciously for the inheritance for months on end in court? Even if the children are financially catered to, it is nearly impossible for the father to be equally emotionally invested in all of them."

The thought of a man suggesting polygamy makes Jacinta Apondo instantly cringe.

“Last year, I went on a first date after matching with someone on Tinder. He was good-looking, and his eloquence impressed me five minutes into the date," Apondo says.

However, after dessert, he dropped the bomb that he was polygamous. I shot up from my seat as if electrocuted and walked briskly to a taxi outside the restaurant. As a girl boss in the corporate world, hell will freeze over before I agree to be an option for a man. I know my worth, and as I continue making big moves in the corporate world, the last thing I need is to fight for a man’s attention."

"How low could my bar be if I condoned a man’s promiscuity? If men want to be polygamous, then women should also start taking polyandry seriously. Let’s see how well Kenyan men will take it!”

However, contrary to most Kenyan women’s disregard for polygamy, Jemimah Mukasa chooses to go against the grain.

“I know most women will crucify me for this, but I don’t see what is so bad about polygamy. Men are naturally polygamous, and the sooner we accept this as Kenyan women, the better. I have no problem having a co-wife. As long as there is mutual understanding and respect, the relationship will thrive. A true testament to this is my current relationship," Mukasa says.

According to Mukasa, her boyfriend is polyamorous, and he has to inform her of any other sexual partners he has and to ensure that respect is upheld throughout.

"However, the man in a polygamous relationship should have money. How else will he regard himself as the man of the house if he doesn’t provide? How can a broke man entertain polygamy? Will he buy diapers for the first or second wife? Successful polygamy is a reality that can only be attained by rich men—and I’m all for it," Mukasa says.

According to Lenny Murimi, a marriage counsellor at Akletos Counselling Centre, polygamy is webbed with complications that every couple must uniquely navigate.

“I cannot convince men not to be polygamous. It is a personal choice that stems from various circumstances, and unless the man wants to embrace monogamy, any attempts to condemn his polygamy tend to push him further, most of the time," Murimi says.

"However, if the woman is not comfortable with having a polygamous man, that’s where the problem occurs."

According to Murimi, several courses of action can be followed.

"The man can choose to become monogamous and accept guidance on the necessary steps to take. If the man is unwilling to change, the woman has the option of leaving the relationship. This—even though a last resort most times—gives the woman ample opportunity to look for a man who is more suitable for her," she says.

"If immediate action is not taken, such a couple might end up trapped in a vicious cycle of toxicity, each person trying to wound the other in whatever means necessary,” he stresses.