Sonko is getting married. Again.

Sonko is the richest man in Jiji Ndogo. I envy Sonko with every bone in my body. Every man in Jiji Ndogo envies Sonko. And it’s not just because of his money. It’s the man’s ability to do everything in every guy’s bucket list and get away with it. I say get away with it because most things in most guy’s bucket lists either border on illegal or immoral.

You ask a woman to name what she’d like to do before she dies, she’ll tell you stuff like travel around the world, go for a whole day of spa treatment, take pottery classes or dance the mambo. Stuff most men will file under “boring”. Men want to have threesomes, in public if possible. They want to pee through the window of an airplane or ride on top of one if possible.

Ole Maasai, the guy with all the cows in Jiji Ndogo, once told me that every guy’s dream is to have three wives.

“Bibi moja nasumbua wewe tu,” he said, as seriously as if we were discussing politics. “Bibi mbili nasumbuana yenyewe kwa yenyewe. Bibi tatu natuliza boma.”

This is such a bucket list statement if I ever heard one. Men don’t consider what problems three wives would bring with them. They take the good in having one wife, multiply it by three and dream of paradise.

Back to Sonko. What does he have to do with bucket lists? Well, Sonko can fulfil any dream easily. That comes with being rich. You know what else comes with being wealthy? You can do anything — well, almost anything — you want and get away with it.

I once heard that Trump, the bully that’s now the President of America, said he could shoot someone in broad daylight and still be elected President. You might think that’s a boldly stupid statement, but given his history and the fact that he was still elected… You get my point.

Live long in this world and you’ll hear that so and so pays Sh5,000 every month to have his dog groomed. Then you’ll hear someone else say, “Achana Naomi huyo. Ni pesa inamsumbua.”

If I pay someone Sh100 to wash my dog (if I had one), the same person would say, “Kwani wewe ni mvivu kiasi gani? Mia moja ni breakfast ya familia mzima.”

Take Sonko, for instance. He’s getting married for the fourth or fifth time and no one seems to think that’s his fault.

“Huyo bibi mwingine alienda kwa nini?” someone whispers.

“Eti alichoka na Sonko kuendaenda nje.”

“Ngai! Hiyo tu? Mimi niakaishi kwa mansion kama hii siwezi jali hata kama ataenda mwezi mzima.”

In contrast, every time I smile at a denizen who comes to the Police Post and my wife Sgt Sophia is there, I’ll have some explaining to do later.

“There’s a customer service smile,” she’d say, “then there’s whatever you were doing to that woman. It’s like you wanted to undress her right here in public.”

I bet if Sonko undressed a woman in public, people wouldn’t ask that he be jailed. They’d ask, “Alimfanyia nini?”

I guess I was wrong when I said it wasn’t about money. Sonko the man has the kind of face only a mother could truly love, and a belly to rival the fattest pig in the market. But because it’s him, you can’t question God’s creation. His bald head and bulbous nose are just perfect as they are.

When it comes to me, “Ai, Makini! Na si umejiachilia. Ona tumbo yako. Ukasimama at just the right angle, unaweza sababisha solar eclipse.”