Dear Diary,

After my religious colleague Jenny accuses her church pastor of impregnating her, things take several turns that to me span from hilarious to the outright absurd.

After shouting his innocence for some time, the pastor then resorts to using more colourful language than I expect from a man of the cloth. The loudmouth that I am calls him out on it.

“Sir, Your Holiness,” I say, “I don’t believe such language is called for. We need to discuss this matter like responsible adults and come to an amicable resolution.”

He points a finger at me and declares, “Mathew Chapter 1 Verse 12.”

Jenny shakes her head. “Oh, hell, no. You can’t use that to justify your outburst.”

I turn to her, blank-faced. “What’s in Mathew Chapter 1 Verse 12?”

The pastor provides the answer. “If our Lord Jesus Christ Himself can get mad enough to whip traders at the Temple in Jerusalem, how’s a lowly servant like me to react in the face of these… these egregious accusations?”

“Egregious accusations?” Jenny can hardly keep her hands to herself. “Did you think of that when you told me it was what the Lord commanded?”

The absurdity hits me like a blow to the stomach. “No way, Jenny. Are you telling me you slept with your pastor because he said it was God’s wish?”

Both of them turn to me and say in unison, “Stay out of this!”

So, for a while, I leave them to their shenanigans. After more back and forth wrangling, the pastor finally calms down and says, “Okay, sister Jenny, I see what’s happening here. You are a faithful member of this church who has strayed from the righteous path. You are afraid of the repercussions from not only our Lord and Saviour, but from the other members of the flock. And to be honest, so you should be, but I have the perfect solution.” He stands up and spreads out his arms. “We’ll have to perform an exorcism.”

“What?” Jenny shoots to her feet. “Are you insinuating that I’m possessed by the devil?”

He smiles. “That’s the only explanation your fellow congregants will buy. It’s easier than telling them that we have our first case of immaculate conception, no?”

“Immaculate…” She takes a moment to seethe. “Pontius, you are a pastor, not the Holy Spirit. And if you don’t come clean, then I will.”

The pastor smiles even wider. “And then what, Jenny? Who do you think people will believe when I deny it?”

“I’m not worried about the people. Isaiah Chapter 1 Verse 18.”

The pastor is at first serious, then he bursts out laughing. “So, you do know how bad of a crap barrel you’re in.”

“I don’t care. It’s up to me and my God.”

I can’t help it any longer. “Hello? Anyone care to explain that verse?”

Voraciously, the pastor recites: “‘Come now, let us settle the matter,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.’”

“Amen!” Jenny declares. “Ready to atone, Pontius?”

He gives it a thought, then turns to me. “Dr Tom, right? Talk to you outside for a second?”

I have to placate Jenny but she relents. The pastor and I step out.

“Tom,” he whispers, “We’re talking 3,000 souls lost without me. You know what happens if your friend’s allegations come to light?”

“Not if it’s true.”

“Truth is subjective, doctor. Here’s the thing. She’s spent time in your house, right? How much would it take for you to throw some doubt into this whole matter?”

“Are you saying what I think…”

“Name your price.”