We unknowingly drowned in the idealisations of love presented through all the romcoms, 90s love songs with passionate declarations in the rain and romance novels we immersed ourselves in, and it felt like we were programmed to look forward to being loved.

And perhaps, the amalgamation of these sources is what created the ‘lover girl’ — the archetype who relentlessly seeks love in all places.

Except, because cognitive dissonance is a real thing, it didn’t occur to us that even this is the romanticisation of what love should look like, and the catastrophic dating climate in Nairobi snaps you back to reality.

This reality is that every frog prince stays in flux, switching between being a handsome prince and an undesirable amphibian, leaving you experiencing consistent whiplash and crippling anxiety because you never know what to expect.

However, I have friends in healthy, fulfilling relationships, so I cannot totally discredit the male species in Nairobi because there are, indeed, a few good men left out there.

In the same breath, I can confidently say that the dynamics of hetereosexual dating in our city have changed drastically, which is why I’ve rarely heard about ‘high school and university sweethearts’ in the last few years (which was my favourite love story arc).

“Is it a crime?” Sade sings soulfully in the eponymous song, “That I still want you? And I want you to want me, too?” I share her sentiments, and I’m sure most women in my age group can relate. 

I'm not sure when it became a crime to share our feelings, especially as emotional beings.Isn’t that the joy of being part of the human experience? To feel, to be aware and be moved by emotions?

Unfortunately, it would seem that in the tumultuous game of love, expressing your feelings is seen as ‘cumbersome’ by our male counterparts, and from the very beginning, they absolve themselves of any emotional labour in the name of “keep your feelings to yourself”.

I’ve found the quickest way to send a guy running for the Aberdare hills that match his chilly demeanour is to tell him how you feel, bearing your vulnerabilities for him to see.

In the beginning, during the first few weeks, it feels like blissful flirting with danger, and every kiss feels like a secret shared solely between two beings slowly merging into one.For women, those moments trigger the characteristic swell of romantic movies to share how we feel and what more we want. 

But in that nakedness, he feels like a deer caught in headlights and quickly realises that this is not what he signed up for.He may initiate the classic ‘ghost’ and bring up a myriad of excuses for not wanting to carry on. But that comes with its own set of complications, because how difficult is it to pick up the phone and say, “I did not want to have an emotional relationship”?

Alternatively, in a less avoidant but more damaging approach, he may lead you on with the promise of the love that you desire.If you trust your sixth sense, you will see past the façade, pull yourself up by your stiletto straps (or sneakers’ laces, if you’re like me and more of a sneakerhead), and leave the situation.

Whatever the case, asking a woman to compromise on her emotions is unfair, and cowardly, and hinges on using her. For, as she is pouring into you, she receives bare minimum attention and occasional affection, just enough to keep her around and keep her sweet.

Minimising our emotions for the sake of half-baked love, backroom conversations and imaginary intimacy is not an ideal to look forward to. That is not what I imagined romantic love to feel like and look like.

These dynamics are also telling of societal pressures imposed on men, where being vulnerable and acknowledging their own feelings has been associated with being soft, which frankly baffles me because, are they not allowed to feel?

Nonetheless, societal expectations are factors to rise above and not a standard for everyone. 

After a number of occurrences of having a revolving door of men who flee at the mention of “big feelings”, the lover girl within me has slowly withered and been replaced by more realistic expectations of romantic love and relationships. And I believe I have earned my stripes in successfully learning to lose a man and generally decentralise them from my life.

In that acceptance, there’s renewed hope that who is meant for you, will meet you when you are ready, and that thought wraps my heart in comfort.