Overcoming grief: The pain of losing a partner

Christ Adoration Choir in Kisii is in mourning following the death of one of its members, Ezra Obiero, barely two years after he lost his wife, Ellen Mariaka.

Close friends say the couple, who married in 2018, were deeply devoted to each other.

Tragedy struck in 2023 when Ellen died just six hours after delivering their second child through a Caesarean section, leaving Ezra to raise their two young children alone.

Those close to him say Ezra struggled emotionally after his wife’s death, as he tried to navigate life without his partner.

In a heartfelt message shared while mourning Ellen, Ezra wrote: “You exiting the stage without giving me notes on how to take care of our boys makes it worse.”

Friends say the loss profoundly changed him.

According to family sources, Ezra died on Sunday morning after being diagnosed with blood cancer. News of his death sparked an outpouring of grief and reflection online.

“Ezra was so broken by the death of his wife, and now he is no more, leaving behind two vulnerable children,” a close friend wrote on Facebook.

Another post questioned the role of community support: “Those who knew he was suffering emotionally, what did you do to help him? Friends, where were you?”

Others spoke of the bond the couple shared. “Love bound them in life, and even in death they were never apart,” one mourner wrote.

Ezra and Ellen’s story mirrors the silent struggle many bereaved partners endure.

Therapist Silas Kiriinya says the loss of a spouse is a major life-changing event that should never be taken lightly.

“Grief does not simply fade away with time,” Kiriinya explains.

“It is a process, and people grieve differently. Without proper support, one can remain stuck at the lowest point of grief for a very long time.”

He notes that loss often follows a natural pattern that may include denial, shock, anger, bargaining and depression, before one slowly begins to heal.

According to Kiriinya, reaching what he calls “rock bottom” is not failure, but getting through it requires support.

For Mary J, the pain is still raw. Fourteen months after losing her husband of 55 years, she says the loneliness has not eased.

“I hear people say you just need to be strong and move on. I’m not sure I fully can yet,” she says. “I’ve done better, but I still miss him terribly.”

Mary admits that everyday tasks and social gatherings feel overwhelming.

“There are things I know need to be done, but I just can’t seem to do them. Does anyone else feel this way?” she asks.

Kiriinya says such experiences are normal.

“Grief is not weakness. You grieve because you truly loved,” he explains. “Pain comes because life has changed, and accepting that change is part of healing.”

He warns against unhealthy coping mechanisms such as excessive drinking, encouraging mourners to seek healthier outlets like prayer, exercise, therapy and community support.

“Do not grieve alone,” he advises. “Allow yourself to cry. Let others give you perspective. When you slowly return your body to normal routines and take care of yourself, healing begins.”

Kiriinya adds that grief comes in waves and requires patience. “Give meaning to the memory of your loved one, and be gentle with yourself through the process.”