Kenyan Women Explain Why They Don't Support Struggling Boyfriends

A recent morning conversation on Classic 105 FM, hosted by Mike Mondo and Mwalimu King’ang’i, sparked a candid discussion among listeners, particularly women, about the challenges of supporting a struggling man.

The programme sought to understand why many ladies feel that once a man achieves success with their help, he often forgets their contributions and moves on.

The conversation was initiated by Mike Mondo, who highlighted a prevalent sentiment among Kenyan ladies: "I'm done helping a man from nothing to something."

He explained that women often feel that once a man "makes it," he "changes" and the woman who stood by him "is not good enough anymore". This led to a flood of calls from listeners eager to share their experiences.         

A Painful Betrayal

One caller vividly recounted her experience of supporting a former partner, whom she described as a "little guy".

Her support was extensive: she would provide him with money to pay at the supermarket to "hide the embarrassment".

Despite living in separate houses, she frequently fuelled his car and paid his rent, noting he only paid his rent "once in a while" himself.

“I was so supportive of this guy. To an extent when we go to a supermarket, I’d give him money to pay. Yeah. Just to hide the embarrassment. Namwambia shika lipa,” she recalled.

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However, the dynamic drastically shifted once he secured a job. The caller expressed her shock when he moved out without her knowing, informing her only when she called, expecting to visit his house.

“So this guy when he got a job, He moved on na madharau kidogo kidogo here and there. I used to fuel the car. I used to pay the rent. We were dating, but we lived in separate houses;he used to pay his rent once in a while. Not all the time. But after he got a job, akamea pembe,” she added.

Her powerful advice to other women: "don't support a man, let him struggle, he will sort himself out".       

A Pattern of Disappearance

Another female caller named Beth echoed similar frustrations, stating she had helped men "severally. When asked what happened after her assistance, she simply said, "they disappear".

Beth articulated that women often offer support with a genuine desire to see their partner succeed, aiming for mutual growth.

"We help you knowing that I'm doing this because when we met you are down and I want you to be somewhere at least so that we can help each other," she explained.

Yet, in her experience, once these men "grown some legs and your hands are now strong," they choose to leave.

When Mike Mondo pressed if she had ever met a "grateful man" who remained eternally grateful and stayed, Beth's answer was firm: "It has never happened. To me, it has never happened".

The Debate on Gratitude and Conditions

The male callers offered a different perspective, with one asserting that "help from women does not come unconditionally. It is always conditional".

He suggested that a "resentment" might build up during the period of a woman's help, leading to subtle acts of "madharau" (disrespect) that show the woman believes "she is the one who is in charge".

Another male caller believed that women expect "worship" for their help.

Conversely, Mike Mondo and several female callers maintained that men often forget their benefactors. Mike Mondo highlighted the common scenario where men become successful and "forget who was there during the grind," including the person who paid their rent or fuelled their car.

The consistent plea from the female callers to the hosts was for men to acknowledge the emotional and financial support they received during their struggles.