Kenyan Men Speak Out: "Women's Help is Never Unconditional"

A recent morning conversation on Classic 105 FM, hosted by Mike Mondo and Mwalimu King’ang’i, ventured into the complex dynamics of support in relationships, sparking a dialogue that explored perspectives from both men and women.

While the initial focus of the programme, as highlighted by Mike Mondo, centred on women feeling that men often forget their benefactors after achieving success, the discussion also brought to light male sentiments regarding support and perceived ingratitude.

A Counterpoint: Men’s Past Experiences

During the live phone-in, a male caller introduced a different angle to the conversation, bringing up historical experiences where men had supported women who later moved on.

He posed a rhetorical question: "wakati walikuwa wanapelekwa shule na wanaume. Halafu wanasema wamepata type yao huko mbele nani alilalamika?"

This question suggests a sentiment among some men that they too have invested in women's growth, only for those women to find different partners once they became successful.           

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The caller further expressed a desire for women to experience this feeling, stating, "wacha pia waonje hiyo testi wasikie venye wanaume wanasikia".

This indicates a reciprocal wish for women to understand the emotional impact of supporting a partner who then leaves.

The Perceived Conditions of Female Support

Another significant thread from the male callers was the argument that help from women is rarely unconditional.

One male caller stated firmly, "Help from women does not come unconditionally. It is always conditional". He elaborated that women might expect men to "behave in a certain way" in return for their support.

This sentiment was further explained by the caller, who suggested that a "resentment" could build up when a woman is helping a man.

He described this as a subtle form of "madharau kidogo kidogo" (slight disrespect), implying that the woman, while helping, might subtly assert her control or superiority.

This male caller contrasted this with his view of men's support for women, asserting that "Mwanaume anasaidia mwanamke unconditionally as part of his responsibility", whereas women, in his view, often incorporate "madharau" into their assistance.       

The Analogy of the Noisy Hen

To illustrate his point about the nature of female support, one male caller used an analogy comparing a hen laying an egg to a cow being milked. He stated, "Have you seen a chicken that wants to lay eggs? It makes noise throughout the whole village”.

In contrast, he noted that a cow can be milked to provide tea for the entire village without making a fuss. This analogy was used to suggest that women's contributions are often accompanied by public acknowledgement or perceived fuss, unlike men's, which are seen as more discreet or expected.

He also shared his personal reluctance to receive help from a woman, stating, "Hata sitaki. Ju ataambia kila mtu" (I don't even want it. Because she'll tell everyone).

While the conversation predominantly featured women's frustrations with men forgetting their past struggles, these male callers presented counter-arguments rooted in their own experiences and perceptions of relational dynamics, subtly hinting at a complex reciprocity of expectations and disappointments between genders in supportive relationships.