Children are just small criminals

My wife just announced that she’s pregnant, and boy, do I have differing opinions on this.

I might be wrong, but I believe the way everyone looks at life depends on what they do. I know my teachers always thought everything is a teachable moment. My math teacher used to say, “Everything can be described through numbers.” Call me a bad math student but to this day, I have no idea what he meant.

Personally, I learned a long time ago that I might end up being a policeman for a reason others hated about me. And that’s because I was the sissy in my playgroup. Most of the times we got together, we played football. But that fun could only last long enough. Soon, alternative suggestions would start to come in.

“Been a while since we checked Mr. Kamangu’s orchard. Wonder if the oranges are ripe.”

“Let’s go swim in the dam. There’s no one around to see us today.”

“Or we could scare Mama Mike’s dog. I bet I could make him bark the loudest.”

While my friends debated how best to make the suggestions work, I always had the same response: “Isn’t that illegal?”

So, yeah, I was the frequent killjoy and I usually got called out for it.

Unfortunately, this is the only perspective through which I can look at life now. I might still be a killjoy but this time it’s my job to be one. When Sergeant Sophia told me she’s pregnant (She said ‘we’ are expecting a baby but I don’t know how that is supposed to work) I couldn’t help but look at it from a cop’s perspective.

The way I see it, ‘we’ are only gearing up to bring a small criminal into the world and I can see a charge sheet a mile long.

Let’s start with ‘Grand Theft Snack.’ Kids will remove food from your plate while maintaining direct eye contact like it’s the most normal thing to do. And they’ll give you the same stare when you ask them who took the biscuit they’re holding behind their backs. “Not me, daddy.”

Then there’s battery. One time a tiny nephew of mine ran at full speed into a my shins for no clear reason other than they’re nature’s small missiles that are almost impossible to stop. This can then lead to ‘Property Damage’. Some might say this comes with artistic intent, but not me. Redecorating walls, sofas, and floors with yoghurt, markers, or whatever they can lay their hands on deserves serving time.

And like I said, they’ll never acknowledge their mistakes, sometimes not even their own name unless bribed with biscuits. If this is not ‘Identity Fraud’ then I don’t know what is. And have you seen some of these tiny offenders screaming and throwing tantrums in supermarkets as if negotiating hostage release terms? If it was an adult, we’d charge them with ‘Public Disturbance’ and never miss a second of sleep.

And let’s not forget about ‘Possession of StolenProperty.’ Smuggling remote controls, car keys, and phones into mysterious black holes like under sofas and behind cupboards, only to then engage in ‘Emotional Blackmail’ when they switch from laughter to despair in 0.2 seconds when confronted with their bad deeds or they are denied access to dangerous items like charger cables.

I’m telling you the list is endless. These small arsonists show intense interest in power plugs, sockets, and anything that heats up slightly. I mean, we’ll have to get gun safes for the matches once one is here. Not to mention having to lock every door behind us because they’ll be ‘Breaking and Entering’ into bathrooms, bedrooms, or hiding inside wardrobes just for the fun it. And how about the way they just appear silently behind you like tiny intruders?

I’m hoping my wife never gets to read this. As far as she’s concerned, I can’t wait for ‘us’ to have a baby.