Diary,

In the Singles’ Study I’m attending in Agra, India, there’s an impossibly handsome older guy called Massimo. Midway in his sixties and spotting a full head of white hair and a matching beard, he hails from a small town called Nemi, in Lazio (Pronounced lats-yo, he reminds everyone).

“Beautifulest place in whole world,” Massimo says in his minimal English. “Very little tourists and only walking distance to Temple of Diana, and the Roman Ship Museum.”

I could argue with him on the winning charm of Malindi on our coast, but after hearing his story, I’m tempted to give the poor guy a break.

“Your stories are nothing, my friends,” he says when it’s his turn to tell why he’s remained single for most of his life. “I am single most-cheated man in Nemi. Maybe in whole world. We start in high school.”

His high school girlfriend also happened to be a neighbour. One day, she said she and her girlfriend were camping in their backyard. Massimo, ever mischievous, decided to sneak up and scare them.

“But is no girl friend,” he says. “I find her in tent humping… is okay to say this – humping? She’s humping another schoolmate. Then it’s college.”

His new girlfriend was home for Christmas. Massimo asked her to go watch a movie, but it was a sci-fi and she wasn’t interested.

“So, I decide to go movie alone, right? Before it start, I see her come into theatre with another man. I change seat and see them kissing through whole movie. Then I follow them to her father’s office. She open it, they go inside and I see through window as she do me dirty. Romance over.”

A few years later, he had a live-in girlfriend. One evening, she goes out with her girlfriends, comes back at 4am reeking of alcohol and heads straight for the shower.

“I ask to make love,” Massimo says, “she say no. Too tired. Then I take her bag off couch and it fall and spill a pack of condoms and guess what? Some are missing. Only open wrappers.”

At this stage I’m beginning to think, that would be it for me. No more dating. But not Massimo. Ever the optimist, he decides to give it another try.

“The last one was good for one year. Then one day my fiancée return from family trip. I see in laundry very sexy lingerie. I’m wondering, why she take sexy lingerie for family trip?”

Massimo then realised that almost all of his fiancée’s underwear had stains on them. “I work in lab, so I get my black light. Oh boy, it is sperm glowing like stars in night sky.”

After he broke up with her, he called a friend to go drink and drown his sorrows.

“I’m so heartbroken,” Massimo confessed to his buddy. “How can woman have so many men in short time?”

His friend patted him on the shoulder. “That’s what happens when you’re in an open relationship.”

All the alcohol drained out of Massimo’s system. “Open what? We were not in open relationship.”

“No?” said the friend, eyes agape in wonder. “That’s what she told everyone. I thought you knew and were okay with it.”

That was more than 30 years ago. Since then, Massimo decided to stay ahead of the curve and never commit to one partner.

A wide smile on his face he says, “I win, no?”