Love stories rarely come with warning labels. For 30-year-old Getrude Nyambura, residing in Ruaka, the script she had written for her life did not include heartbreak.
Yet, as she sat down for an interview, she revealed how the unexpected collapse of a five-year relationship a year ago rewrote her plans in ways she never saw coming.
She always thought love would arrive like sudden rain on parched earth- gentle, then overwhelming, then life-giving.
“I didn’t know what it should look like, only what I wanted it to feel like- safety, warmth, belonging,” Nyambura said.
So when she first met her boyfriend at the café where she worked, it was easy to believe he was her long-awaited storm. Tall, dark, charming- his smile made her pulse quicken.
As he leaned in to order his cappuccino, I thought- this is how love begins,” Nyambura recounted.
Growing up without knowing her father, she had no blueprint for what a good man should be. Her father was more myth than memory, her mother too worn to teach her lessons about romance.
What she knew came from radio songs and Nollywood films where endings always tied neatly, as if life owed women happy-ever-afters.
Therefore, when this man- educated, confident- chose me, I believed the universe had finally remembered my name,” Nyambura stated.
The first sting she ignored. “You wouldn’t understand, babe, this is grown-folk stuff,” her boyfriend once said, tapping her nose like a child’s.
The second, she excused herself too, when he mocked her occasional mispronunciation in front of his friends.
“My cheeks burned, but I consoled myself- stay, maybe this is just love’s language,” Nyambura commented.
However, by the second year of dating, the insults multiplied like termites in wood. Soon, his sharp remarks became her daily bread. At gatherings, he reduced her to a punchline.
“Don’t ask her about politics, she only knows how to cook chapati,” her boyfriend once stated.
Laughter followed, but it lodged in her chest like stones. When she tried to speak about her hurt, he scoffed.
“You’re too sensitive, Nyambura -always so dramatic,” her boyfriend habitually remarked.
She learned the art of shrinking- soft laughter, dimmed opinions, silence wrapped around her like armor.
To lose him seemed unthinkable, reasoning that many women would feel lucky to be dating such an attractive man.
What finally broke the camel’s back in their relationship was her boyfriend’s condescending attitude during the ruracio.
This was the day she had dreamed of since childhood: family gathered, goats bleating in the compound, women ululating with joy.
“I had borrowed, hustled, and saved to make the day perfect, not for him but for my mother who had sacrificed so much,” Nyambura said.
However, on the morning of the ceremony, her boyfriend arrived with disdain in his pockets.
He barely greeted her elders, muttered about ‘cheap setups’, and rolled his eyes when Nyambura’s mother tried to engage him in conversation.
“In that moment, clarity struck me like lightning- this was no blessing,” Nyambura said.
Her eyes opened to the truth that during their whole relationship, her boyfriend saw her not as a partner but as a project to mock.
Rising to her feet with her kitenge dress blazing under the sun, she decided to call off the engagement in that moment.
“I will not marry a man who disrespects me, my family, or my story. This ruracio is not for sale, and neither am I,” Nyambura said with a steady voice.
“I chose myself and that is a decision I will never regret,” Nyambura added.
For years, society has painted a lopsided picture of toxic relationships- casting women as the ones most likely to endure belittling partners, while men are imagined as the perpetrators or, at worst, detached spectators. However, reality dictates otherwise.
Michael Otieno, a 25-year-old from Juja, knows this all too well. Once the darling of the rugby pitch and the envy of his peers, he never imagined he would be the one silenced and diminished in his own relationship.
Yet, for three years, he lived under the shadow of a partner whose words cut deeper than any tackle.
“The first time I saw her, I was covered in sweat and glory,” Otieno said.
His rugby team had just secured a nail-biting victory, and the crowd at the field was thunderous. But amid the chaos, his eyes locked onto her- cheering louder than the rest, her eyes shining with pride that seemed directed solely at him.
In that instant, the campus star felt his world tilt.
After the final whistle, while his teammates basked in the chants of fans, he scanned the sea of faces until he found her again.
He shoved through sweaty supporters, ignored outstretched hands, and marched straight up to her.
“With the confidence of a man who had already had a positive response, I asked her for her number,” Otieno recounted.
She laughed, scribbled her digits on his wrist, and from then on, late-night conversations became their ritual.
He was notorious on his campus for juggling admirers, but with her, something shifted. He hung up his player ways, convinced he had found the woman who saw beyond the jersey, beyond the fame.
“When I looked at her, I saw a future lined with tenderness and love- something I had always secretly craved,” Otieno expressed.
Nevertheless, the cracks appeared early. By the second month, her sweetness had soured into barbed remarks.
She poked fun at his gentlemanly habits- mocking him for opening doors, for speaking softly when others shouted.
“You’re too soft for the caliber of a man I thought you were,” his girlfriend would smirk.
Her words landed sharper than tackles on the pitch. Things only got worse from that point. His girlfriend began to pick apart his appearance.
His haircut was ‘boring’. His muscles were ‘just show, no substance’.
And the final sting: she ridiculed the very thing he was celebrated for his rugby skills.
“You think you’re that good?” she sneered once. “Half the time, it’s your team carrying you.”
His confidence, built on years of triumphs, began to crumble. On the field, he remained the lion, the unstoppable force the fans revered. But off it, behind closed doors, he felt stripped of his armor.
His masculinity was being peeled away piece by piece, yet he said nothing.
How could he confess to his teammates—the same ones who worshipped him on the pitch—that their star was being belittled in his own relationship? The fear of ridicule kept him silent.
“Still, I stayed- despite the venom, he loved her,” Otieno said.
“Or at least I loved the idea of her- the girl in the crowd who had once cheered like I was her whole world,” Otieno added.
The truth of his girlfriend cheating on him was what finally shattered him. It was not whispered gossip or vague suspicion- it was evidence he could not deny.
A photo on social media of his girlfriend entwined in the arms of a rival rugby player.
“This is a man from the very team I had clashed with on the field countless times,” Otieno lamented.
The betrayal burned hotter than any insult she had ever hurled at him. She had not just mocked his skills- she had shared herself with someone sworn to compete against him.
“I walked away from the relationship, heart heavy but spine unbowed,” Otieno said.
“After three years of fighting a battle off the field that no one knew about, I was finally free,” Otieno added.
Condescension in a relationship does not always wear the same mask- but it always blindsides you.
What once felt like the safest place in your life can turn into the very thing that leaves the deepest wounds.
According to Tabitha Njeru, a relationship expert, dealing with a condescending partner is not about trading insults or matching their tone. It is about reclaiming your voice.
Condescension thrives in silence- the more you swallow it, the deeper it cuts. The first step is recognizing it for what it is, a pattern, not a passing comment. Those little jabs wrapped in “jokes” or the patronising sighs are not harmless
“They are a slow erosion of respect,” Njeru insisted.
“Call it out calmly, clearly, and without apology,” Njeru added.
You do not need to argue or justify why it hurt. You just need to set the line with a stern statement like, ‘I won’t be spoken to that way. ’
Boundaries are your armor, and consistency is your weapon. If they truly value the relationship, they will adjust.
“If they dismiss you or double down, that tells you everything you need to know,” Njeru advised.
Most importantly, do not lose sight of yourself. Condescension works like rust- it makes you question your worth until you forget how strong you are, she said.
"Keep reminding yourself, love should never belittle; it should build. Protect your dignity like it’s oxygen, because in the end, it is,’ Njeru said candidly.
“And if they can’t meet you eye-to-eye, then they don’t deserve to stand beside you,” Njeru added.
Ultimately, both Nyambura and Otieno discovered the same truth: that love that talks down to you is not love at all.
Condescension may arrive dressed as charm, passion, or even commitment, but its goal is always the same- to shrink you.
Walking away is never easy, but it is the bravest act of self-respect. True partnership should be a mirror that reflects your strength, not a cage that confines it.
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