To Ruth Laboso, love has always been more than chance encounters and fleeting emotions.
At just 29 and in a relationship, she carries within her the echoes of childhood fairytales, where noble gentlemen swept heroines off their feet and devotion was marked by honor.
In Pangani, as she shared her thoughts, her voice carried the certainty of someone who has always known what she seeks- a love anchored in chivalry and a partner who embodies the magic of a true knight in shining armor.
“Since I came from a strict upbringing, the campus opened a door- I could finally taste the thrill of romance and discover my prince charming,” Laboso said.
Before starting campus, she had assumed that she would find a romantic partner within no time. After all, she admitted that most of her high school holidays were spent warding off romantic pursuits.
Reasoning that the same interest would be expressed during her time on campus, she felt like she could rest easy.
However, within just a month on campus, the glossy picture she had painted in her mind began to crack.
The effortless, whirlwind romance she had been expecting- complete with stolen glances across lecture halls and serendipitous encounters at every turn- was nowhere to be found.
Instead, reality crept in, subtle but relentless- dates that fizzled, attention that never came and the uncomfortable truth that campus life was not a high school replay.
Her imagined love story, once so vivid and certain, now felt like a script written for someone else entirely.
“Even though admirers circled, romance felt hollow as the elusive spark of chivalry was nowhere in sight- I was not ready to settle for less,” Laboso stated.
Her unwavering resolve to maintain her high standards was met by ridicule from her friends.
They could not understand why she was so dead set on her high standards in an environment where love was less about serious connotations and more about casually exploring love.
“One time, one of my friends told me that I would end up alone if I continued to wait for a man who opens doors for me,” she said..
However, in her fourth year on campus, her romantic stars finally aligned. Out of the blue, she met a man who ticked all her boxes. Not only was he tall, dark, and handsome, but also a true gentleman at heart.
Unlike past dates, where she practically handed out instructions on how to behave, this man seemed to have chivalry etched into his DNA.
“When he pulled a chair for my mother during a family gathering, I was immediately hooked- the five years of blissful dating are a testament to the right choice I made in dating him,” Laboso said.
Chivalry typically refers to an honorable and polite way of behaving, especially by men toward women.
Chivalry is not always the golden ticket to love. Sometimes, it is the spark that ignites the fuse.
Paul Omollo, a 30-year-old from Kamukunji, never expected that his chivalry would become the silent saboteur of his relationship.
Growing up, he had a front-row seat to a romance most only see in movies. A household where affection between his parents was effortless and strikingly real- a sharp contrast to the typical African home.
“The kind of princess treatment that I watched in movies was the carbon copy of what my mother got to experience being married to my father,” Omollo said.
If chivalry had a poster child, it would have been his father. Abiding by the ‘sidewalk rule’ that dictated a man should walk on the street side closest to the road, getting his wife food before serving himself in an event, offering his jacket during chilly evenings, his father was the epitome of chivalry.
“Seeing how happy my mom was, I vowed to emulate this kind of love in my future romantic pursuits,” Omollo explained.
Therefore, when he got into his first relationship right after graduating, he was more than eager to emulate all that he had learned from his father.
Coupled with the fact that he believed his girlfriend was out of his league, he was willing to move heaven and earth to make her feel like the most special woman in the world.
“However, by the second month, I realised that my girlfriend was not a fan of my chivalric personality,” Omollo shared.
Whenever he tried to show his deep love for her by giving her princess treatment, his girlfriend would squirm in discomfort under the spotlight of his affection.
Though he repeatedly asked if he was ‘too much’ for her, his girlfriend denied this, claiming that she was just not used to being shown love in such a public way.
Trying to tone down his chivalry, he held on to the hope that their relationship would weather this storm of uncertainty.
However, as time progressed, their relationship seemed to plummet further.
One random evening, during a heated argument, his girlfriend blurted out that his chivalry was just a façade of the deceitful things he was doing behind her back.
“At that moment, I realised that I could no longer be in a relationship with a person who did not align with my values- I know that the love of my life will appreciate my chivalry,” Omollo said.
Like life itself, every relationship marches to its own beat. While chivalry might be the lifeline that resuscitates one deteriorating relationship, it might, on the other hand, be the catalyst for the demise of another relationship.
According to Juliet Cherono, a relationship expert, navigating chivalry in relationships requires balancing traditional courtesy with modern expectations of equality and respect.
Firstly, the intent behind the chivalry is important. It is about showing genuine care and consideration, not just performing outdated gender roles.
Focus on actions that demonstrate thoughtfulness, respect and a desire to enhance your partner's well-being, rather than adhering to rigid, potentially sexist norms.
“Opening a door or offering a seat should be an act of kindness, not a demonstration of perceived superiority,” Cherono emphasized.
Chivalry is not one-size-fits-all. It is a language, and like any language, it only works when both parties understand it. The secret is not grand gestures alone.
It is talking openly with your partner about the acts of care they actually appreciate, the ways they feel loved, and the boundaries that make them comfortable.
True charm lies not just in doing, but in listening, she noted.
“Remember, what one person finds charming, another may find patronising,” Cherono advised.
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