Charity Nyambura, recently single, does not do butterflies. In a world drunk on romance and obsessed with ‘feeling the feels’, she is the sober one at this party – arms crossed, watching the chaos with quiet curiosity.
At just 24, the Westlands resident has already decided that affection is overrated, a strange currency people throw around too easily. Where others see tenderness, she sees theatrics.
Where others melt, she measures. And for her, relationships are not built on hugs and handholding – they are built on something far more practical.
“Growing up in a household that prioritized affection, I was the odd one out of the bunch – there was a time my parents thought that I needed therapy for this,” Nyambura said comically.
Even though she seemed cold to most people, having a romantic partner is a milestone that she had always wished to achieve since childhood.
Thinking that she would find a romantic prospect by the end of her first year in campus, she was deeply gutted when this did not pan out.
“All the guys I met made me feel like a freak for not being a fan of affection – I was not willing to subject myself to a relationship with that kind of mentality,” Nyambura stated.
Just as she was about to throw in the towel, love came knocking unexpectedly in her third year in campus. At one of the music club’s Friday meetings, a new member caught her eye.
Whether because of his appealing height or dark features with a full beard, she felt an instant spark.
“That was the first man I was willing to move heaven and earth just for him to notice me – perhaps this desperation should have rung alarm bells in my mind,” Nyambura expressed.
Since she was one of the most skilled guitarists in the music club, she was instructed to take him under her wing.
What began as casual interaction with an age mate who had discovered his passion for music in life snowballed into a relationship with flirty banter. Late-night cheeky conversations and hangouts became their norm.
“It is no surprise that when he asked me to be his girlfriend two months later, I happily obliged – I actually felt honoured to have bagged such an attractive man,” Nyambura recounted.
However, within the first month, it was like a switch flipped. The man who had initially respected her boundaries on affection suddenly seemed irritated by her personality.
Her boundaries simply became the bane of his existence. Completely thrown for a loop, she tried to get to the root of their clash through civilized conversations.
“No matter how hard I tried, these conversations were always counteractive – I mean, it is hard trying to converse with a brick wall,” Nyambura said.
Despite her frustrations with him, she decided to go against every fibre of her being by being more affectionate.
Not willing to lose her relationship, she deluded herself into believing that her boyfriend would see how committed she was to him. However, her efforts proved futile as the relationship continued to deteriorate.
“What sent me packing my bags was when I discovered that he had been cheating on me the whole time – I can’t believe I tried changing myself for him,” Nyambura lamented.
From the bustling streets of Pangani, 35-year-old Jack Oriaso chuckled at life’s irony. By this age, he had expected to be married with at least one child running around in his house.
Though single by choice, he admitted his affection preferences might just be the quiet culprits behind his empty ring finger.
Raised under the rigid rules of a military household, he once swore he would write a very different love story from that of his parents.
“In a house where the parents ruled with an iron fist, leaving no safe space for being vulnerable, I counted down the days to my 18th birthday looking forward to moving out,” Oriaso said.
Being naturally affectionate, his parents often punished his vulnerability, claiming that it was a weakness, especially for a man.
After his parents realized that he would not budge, they decided to kick him out of the house one random night.
“Even though this was like another dagger to my heart, the silver lining for me was that I finally had the leeway to do whatever I pleased,” Oriaso stated.
Naively, he had thought that finding a romantic partner would be easy enough. However, after two months of falling flat on his face, the reality dawned on him.
Several women he had tried dating had told him that he was ‘too affectionate’ for their liking. Though he initially brushed this off as the women looking for a flimsy excuse for backing out of a second date, the constant rejection brewed self-doubt.
“After being told constantly by your parents and strangers that you are ‘too much’, you eventually start believing them – I have since taken a hiatus from dating,” Oriaso expressed sadly.
“I do not even understand why people think I am ‘too affectionate’, it’s not like I hold people at gunpoint just for a hug,” Oriaso added.
In the early days, Sophie Mueni’s love life felt like two dancers moving to different songs – close enough to touch, yet always slightly out of step.
From their home in Wendani, the now 40-year-old smiles at the memory of those uncertain years, when mismatched affection preferences cast long shadows over their future.
Back then, their romance seemed like a fragile bridge swaying over a deep ravine, every step testing its strength.
“In the initial months of us dating, I was fully convinced that my man hated me – why else would he not hold my hand while we were running errands in town,” Mueni stated.
Since she is naturally affectionate, she could not understand how someone could express love without affection.
For her, the minimal affection equated to disinterest. Both of them being headstrong about their opinions, constantly clashing was inevitable.
However, somehow, against the odds, they found a way to meet in the middle, proving that different does not always mean doomed.
“Though we are both stubborn, a breakup was never on the table – this forced both of us to compromise and create a blended solution that works for us,” Mueni expressed.
According to Charles Gitaru, a relationship expert, communication about differences in affection preferences is vital for the survival of a relationship.
When two people have different affection preferences, whether that is how much physical touch they want, how often they express love verbally, or how public they are about it – the key is to approach the differences as something to navigate together rather than a flaw to ‘fix’.
Start by openly discussing each person’s natural comfort levels.
“Instead of saying ‘I like more affection’, explain what that looks like for you – holding hands in public, sitting close on the couch, or sending affectionate texts during the day,” Gitaru said.
Likewise, ask your partner to describe what affection feels comfortable for them.
This avoids vague expectations and helps both of you understand where the differences really lie. It is equally important to frame these conversations with empathy, not blame.
If your partner prefers less physical contact, it is not necessarily a sign of disinterest – they might express love in other ways, like acts of service or quality time.
“Conversely, if you’re the one who craves more affection, that’s not ‘needy’ – it is simply your style of connection,” Gitaru advised.
By recognising that affection styles often come from personality, upbringing, or even past relationships, you can approach compromises with more patience and less defensiveness.
From there, work on building a ‘shared affection language.’ That might mean finding middle ground, your partner gives you a hug when they get home from work, and you respect their space during downtime.
Or you might schedule intentional moments of connection, such as a morning cuddle or evening check-in, while allowing for more independence the rest of the day.
“The goal is not to force one person to completely adopt the other’s style but to blend approaches so both partners feel seen and respected,” Gitaru reiterated.
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