Unpacking expectations in love: Lessons from the Orange peel theory

‎“I remember when the orange peel theory was trending on TikTok. I was delusional because why did I think that trying the trend with my boyfriend would patch up our rocky relationship?”

‎Grace Nyokabi, who is in a five-year-long relationship, shares with The Star. 

‎In Nyokabi’s mind, the trend was just a silly one that held no weight. She soon realised that this was far from the truth.

‎A while back, the orange peel theory went viral on TikTok. The concept of the theory is simple. 

‎A person in a relationship asks their partner to do a minor task for them, one that they could easily do on a normal day, such as peeling an orange. 

‎If the partner does it in a heartbeat, without any complaints, then it is a testament to the deep love and care that the partner holds for the person. 

‎However, if the partner broods over the seemingly trifle act of peeling the fruit, a red flag should be brazenly waving in the face of the other person in the relationship. 

‎The hype behind the trend sparked mass controversy. A clear depiction of this in TikTok was in the most viral video in this trend from a creator called Shebly Wilfong. 

‎At a virality of 3.1 million views, the creator, Shelby, was advised by over 100,000 people in the comments to leave her toxic boyfriend. Shelby’s boyfriend was labelled boldly as a red flag because of his insensitive remarks towards Shelby.

‎Snarky remarks directed to Shelby, like “you’re not that special” and “I’m trying to build you up as a female”, left a distasteful taste in the viewers’ mouths.

‎“For three months, my boyfriend and I had been trapped in a viscous cycle of heated arguments. Initially, we had been arguing about our poor communication skills, but with neither of us willing to compromise, it later snowballed to more grievances," Shelby says.

According to Shelby, ‎it got to a point where neither of us could recall what we last argued about.

‎Clutching at straws, trying to stay in the relationship, I found myself questioning whether or not my boyfriend still loved me. 

‎On my birthday, he went all out in making sure I felt appreciated by booking a week's vacation in Zanzibar.

‎However, unbeknownst to him, the only thing that I wanted for my birthday that year was to visit my twin brother’s grave.

Having watched several TikTok videos on the orange peel theory, I expected my boyfriend to know this without me spelling it out. 

‎Breaking down out of nowhere during the vacation, I bitterly claimed that he did not love me and just organised the vacation to appease his ego.

‎"Appalled, my boyfriend expressed that the only reason he focused on a vacation was to try and take my mind off the grief of losing my twin brother six months ago. ‎A lack of communication from both ends nearly made us break up,” Grace Nyokabi details.

‎Just like the case of Grace Nyokabi, Brian Omollo dealt with the threat of unfulfilled expectations in his romantic relationship. For Omollo, this threat began brewing from the onset of his relationship.

‎“At the time, I was enjoying a casual relationship. Both of us not willing to be tied in a closed relationship, the first three weeks were pure bliss. She was also seeing two other guys, something I had no problem with."

‎Our beautifully crafted world, however, came crashing down when she lost her father. I went to the funeral because, at the end of the day, I like to think of myself as decent.

‎Two weeks after the burial, shawrie sent me a long text detailing how I was emotionally immature because I did not make an effort to check on her. Following this, she sent two TikTok videos on the orange peel theory and even recommended therapy for me. 

"‎First, I was confused because I had never heard of the orange peel theory before. My bewilderment intensified because I thought that our relationship was mutually casual, purely based on sexual relations.”

‎In some cases, constant disappointment from unmet expectations can lead to a divorce. Speaking to The Star, *Alex Mutinda is no stranger to this.

‎“It began with minuscule things. Things like her expecting me to plan weekly dates, or me expecting her to let me have quiet evenings that would help me unpack the crazy things that happened at work," he says.

‎Having twin toddlers is what broke the camel’s back in our marriage. My wife expected me to do more in the house, like cleaning and feeding bottles. 

‎She complained daily that she was left hanging dry, trying to take care of the twins without much consideration from me.

‎That wasn’t the entire picture. The only reason why I stayed longer at the office was to meet the financial needs of my family. As a man, I strived for a soft life for my wife and kids. 

‎Exhaustion from work made it difficult for me to help around the house a lot. I even tried to employ two house managers, but that somehow ended up enraging my wife more.

‎"According to her, I was indirectly saying that she was incapable of taking care of the twins and our home. Realising that this toxicity was not suitable for our children, we both mutually decided on a divorce.”

‎According to Faith Rono, a marriage counsellor at Gem Counselling Consulting, the orange peel theory trend on TikTok revealed how many relationships succumb to destruction because of unmet expectations.

‎“In most cases, the anger, frustration, or hurt you feel has more to do with your unmet expectations than it does with whatever happened," she says.

‎In a relationship, you should take time to reflect on your expectations and determine if they are realistic and healthy. 

‎After considering what aspects of the relationship are working well, you should adjust the expectations accordingly.

‎In addition, open communication is vital. Expressing your needs and expectations clearly and calmly is crucial. 

‎You should actively listen to your partner's perspective and try to understand their point of view. Hearing to listen rather than hearing to respond is a better strategy,” she emphasises.

‎Gladys Ngatia, who has been married for 8 years, explains to The Star that both partners have a role to play in curbing unmet expectations. 

‎“I think the worst thing partners in a relationship can do is to assume. Assumption is a thief of joy in relationships," she says.

"Don’t assume that your partner knows you like yellow carnations rather than the popular red roses. Communicate. No one can read your mind,” she affirms.